Functional
by Shufflebot
Summary: Sequel to 'Dysfunctional'. Stan is trying to hold his husband together after things go bad, Cartman is returning to South Park for the first time in years, Kenny is trying to look after his kids with no money and as a single parent whilst Kyle is certain
1. Chapter 1: Stan and Kyle

**This is the sequel to Dysfunctional and it takes place thirteen years later. This story wasn't complete at the time of this rewrite, but I thought it still warranted one.**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 1: Stan and Kyle

 _It might not be the right time_

 _I might not be the…_

"Hey dude," Stanley Marsh said into his mobile, cutting off Daft Punk in favour of his husband's voice. They had gotten married nine years ago when they were both twenty and they both had the song set as their ringtone for each other because it was their wedding song.

" _Sorry Stan,"_ The voice of Kyle Marsh (formerly Broflovski) filled his ear, " _I'm going to be late home. A bus crashed and it was full of people."_

Kyle was a doctor, or more accurately a surgeon, but he did diagnosis as well. He had taken a job at Hell's Pass when they had moved back to South Park after Kyle finished medical school four years ago, both of them claiming to hate life in the city.

"Don't worry about it, it isn't your fault." Stan decided not to mention that he was already late.

" _Are the kids asleep?"_

When they got back to South Park they had begun looking for a surrogate so they could have children together. They had found one in the form of Bebe Stevens. She had given them two kids, three-year-old Ethan and three-month-old Jake. Ethan had been made using Stan's sperm and Jake had been made with Kyle's. Bebe had left South Park not long after Jake was born, she had flown with Clyde Donovan to Australia.

Stan was a stay-at-home dad, he had paid for Kyle's tuition at medical school, but had taken the decision to look after the kids instead of finding another job in South Park. Kyle was initially against the idea, but he eventually gave in.

"Yeah, they're asleep."

Stan heard Kyle sigh, he hated being home after the kids were asleep. The most he'd got to see of them that morning was a peek into their bedrooms at their still sleeping forms, " _Sorry it took me so long to call, I haven't had a free minute."_

"Don't worry, you were always going to call eventually."

Kyle chuckled, " _Yeah I was, anyway I've got to go. Love you._ "

Stan smiled fondly, "Love you too."

That was why Stan was currently curled in their double bed, reading one of Kyle's old books. Kyle had a lot of them, so Stan would read when he had a free moment in favour of watching TV. It was a recent development, started because Kyle was thinking of throwing them out and Stan's hoarder tendencies showed up again. He had originally just started reading them because he'd said to keep them, but now he really enjoyed it and Kyle's supply of books the Jew had read was almost constantly growing. He glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it read one am, he was worried. Whenever Kyle had to stay late he normally came home around nine.

His ears perked when he heard the door unlock and open downstairs, footsteps were clear on the stairs. Stan smiled when he saw the lime-green ushanka (yes, he still wore it) atop the short frame of his husband appeared in the doorway.

Kyle looked exhausted, he'd been up since six and dark rings were visible around his eyes. His movements were sluggish as he stripped down to his boxers and looked for pyjama bottoms and an old T-shirt.

"Is something wrong?" Stan asked, noticing something off, only he would have been able to tell.

"My last patient died in my hands today," Kyle sighed as he pulled on green pyjama bottoms and Stan's high school American football jersey, people had died whilst he was operating before. The first time it had happened a little girl was the one who died, everything was going okay when she died of a brain aneurism. Kyle wasn't a brain surgeon, so there was nothing he could do, but he had beat himself up over it for two weeks.

"Well you had been up for ages," Stan said in an attempt to cheer him up or at least make him feel better, "You won't have been on top of your game."

"It's not that someone died, that's part of the job. It's who."

"What?"

"It was Ned."

Stan set his book down on the bedside cabinet, "Ned? As in Jimbo's best friend?"

Kyle nodded as he climbed into bed and wrapped himself around Stan, "Your Uncle's going to hate me."

"He'll understand," Stan said as he pulled his husband into a hug. He was about to continue when Kyle's stomach growled, "Have you had anything to eat?"

Kyle shook his head, "That bus was completely full. I've been working non-stop since I called you."

Stan got out of bed to go to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich.

"Eat that, you're diabetic, you have to eat."

Kyle took as bite and hummed contentedly, he laid his head on Stan's shoulder tiredly as he ate, Stan wrapped his arms around him, burying his face into the ushanka. They were still as touchy-feely as they'd ever been, and more importantly, still as in love as they'd ever been. They'd been described before as a perfect couple, something that had made them laugh whilst feeling an immense feeling of pride at the same time. Most people had thought they'd be together since they were young and they were one of the only couples in South Park that people thought would last until death did them part.

"You're so brave," Stan said quietly as he nuzzled his husband.

"How?"

"People rely on you to save their lives, I'd have done a Tweek by now."

Kyle smiled, "Too much pressure?"

Stan nodded, "Exactly."

"It's a good thing I don't work weekends," Kyle said as he finished the sandwich, "I'd be a liability if I had to go in tomorrow."

"We have go and see Jimbo then," Stan said, "He'll be taking it pretty hard."

"I can't show my face in front of him, I'd just feel guilt."

"He'd prefer you to go, he doesn't have to find out."

Kyle yawned, "Can we talk about this tomorrow? I can't stay awake much longer."

Stan nodded and lay down, pulling Kyle into his chest so that he was spooning him, Kyle moved back into Stan's chest as far as he could go, Stan gently turned his head so he could kiss him.

"You're perfect," Stan whispered, "Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Kyle was nearly asleep, but he fell asleep feeling warm inside.


	2. Chapter 2: Cartman

**This one's really short because I couldn't think of anymore to add to it. Also, would you guys like to see a oneshot of Stan and Kyle getting engaged?**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 2: Cartman

Eric Theodore Cartman drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he made the drive back to South Park, a trip he hadn't made since Stan and Kyle had their first child. He kept in contact with Kenny, Kyle, Stan and Butters and only them.

Cartman had flunked out of college _hard_.

He had shared a flat with Kenny and the recently-married Stan and Kyle in Fort Collins, where they all went to college. Kenny didn't go to college, he had a job but had chosen to follow his friends. When Cartman flunked and got kicked out of college he left, leaving a note as he left.

 _Dear Poor Boy, Hippie and Kike_

 _When you read this I will have left. I failed my tests and got kicked out of college so I have decided to travel and find something to do with my life. I will keep in contact will you guys._

 _See you later._

 _Eric Theodore Cartman_

He had kept his word, he did keep in contact with them, whilst refusing to give out any details of what he was doing. He occasionally met up with them as well although he hadn't done so for three years.

He had never been happy to leave, but he couldn't show his face to them, especially since none of them had flunked like he did. The only thing he'd done that was worthwhile was losing his virginity, but it had taken him until he was twenty. In contrast to Stan and Kyle's fourteen (with each other) and Kenny and Butters' fifteen (not with each other).

The self-harm had stopped and Cartman had been able to move past everything Craig did. In fact, he hadn't seen Craig or had any contact with him since graduation. He would have to ask Stan, Kyle, Kenny or Butters about him.

He was nervous. He had a recent development that he was certain the guys wouldn't like.

He had a fiancée.

That wasn't the problem it was _who_.

She had black hair.

She used to wear a pink beret.

She tried to get Trent Boyett to kill all of them apart from Stan when they were sixteen so she could take him back.

One Wendy Testaburger. Soon to be Wendy Cartman.

Cartman was certain that Stan would hate it, Kenny would eventually come to terms with, Kyle would despise it. He hoped that they wouldn't ostracise him for it.

He gripped the steering wheel tightly, it didn't matter now.

 _Screw you guys, I'm coming home._


	3. Chapter 3: Kenny

Functional

Chapter 3: Kenny

Kenny McCormick sighed as he ran his hands over his face, he was exhausted. He lived in his old house back in South Park, although now his parents and siblings had left.

Back in college, when he shared a flat with his three best friends: Stan, Kyle and Cartman, he was a man-whore. He slept with a different woman every night, even when he got a girlfriend.

Boy… did that come back and bite him on the arse.

He got his girlfriend pregnant, he could try and deal with that. He couldn't when he got two other girls pregnant at the same time.

He knew how it happened, he'd been sleeping around for a while. Leaving home was supposed to be a fresh start but he'd fallen into his old ways again, every time he had a different hook-up, he got an empty and guilty feeling in his gut.

Yet he still drifted back to his old ways and a different girl's bed.

* * *

" _It's kinda your own fault," Kyle said, Kenny confided in him because he thought he would get judged the least. That and because Stan and Cartman were both at class._

" _I know," Kenny chewed the inside of his cheek nervously, "I don't know what to do."_

" _Well, I'm not an expert," Kyle sighed as he span his computer chair round to face him, "Best thing I can say is that you need to try salvage your relationship with Dora."_

" _Diana."_

" _Yeah… right. Look, you're in a load of shit right now, I get that. But reality has kicked you in the balls. We're not going to ditch you, but_ you _need to deal with this."_

" _Thanks for the advice," Kenny said sarcastically, "I wasn't going to do any of this."_

" _Don't be like that," Kyle frowned, "I tried my best, I can't exactly speak from experience."_

" _Yeah, we know that," Kenny laughed sardonically, "You can't get it up for a woman so you can't get a girl pregnant, you only get it up when your fudge packer of a husband rams his dick up your ass!"_

" _Don't bring Stan into this," Kyle stood, his temper getting the best of him. It wasn't really intimidating considering his short stature, "Just because_ you _fucked up doesn't give you the right to talk shit about_ my _marriage. Just because you can't be trusted with a relationship, just because you got three girls pregnant because you're a whore! I wouldn't trust you to marry me if I was one of those girls, I would kick you to the curb if I was your girlfriend."_

 _Kenny was struck dumb but Kyle continued, his voice dripping with venom._

" _The girls probably won't let you near your kids, hope you don't mind losing all your income to child support, hope you don't mind other women walking out the door when you bring this bit of information up to them while I watch on with my_ fudge packer of a husband _!"_

 _Kyle's face had gone as red as his hair in his anger and he turned his back to Kenny, continuing with what he was doing on the laptop. Kenny wasn't used to having his insults turned against him, he really should have expected it, Kyle was only a few weeks into his marriage and was very defensive about it when people made fun of it. He was also very giddy about it. In all truth, Kenny was jealous. Kyle had someone to share a bed with, he had someone to hold at night and he had a stable relationship that he could actually keep up, signified by the ring on his finger._

 _Kenny didn't and he wanted that, but it didn't give him an excuse to take out his frustrations out on Kyle just because he'd only ever slept with one person._

" _I'm sorry," Kenny sighed, "I let the situation get the better of me and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm tired, I don't know what to do. But most of all I'm scared, I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared that there may be complications and one of these girls may die because I'm a whore."_

 _Kyle turned back, his face softened when he saw Kenny crying, "We'll all be there to help you if you need it, but now's the time for change. Now's the time to stop sleeping around, now's the time to get off drugs."_

 _Kenny gasped, he didn't think Stan and Kyle knew about his joint stash._

" _You could be a father of three kids, you've got to clean up your act. Unless you're planning on… jumping ship."_

" _No way!" Kenny cut in, "I'll be there for my kids, I don't want them to have an awful time growing up like I did."_

 _Kyle stood, "Get any drugs you own and meet me in the bathroom."_

 _Kenny did so, making sure not to leave any. Kyle's words had struck a chord within him._

" _Flush it all," Kyle ordered, leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded._

" _Why?"_

" _Symbolism, show yourself that you don't need it."_

 _Kenny flushed all of it._

" _Go from there," Kyle said as he went back to his computer._

* * *

What none of them had predicted was that the three girls had conspired against Kenny, when all the babies had been born the girls had dumped them on their doorstep, leaving Kenny to look after all of them. He'd stayed with them until Kyle had to move to go to medical school, Stan had inevitably gone with him and Kenny had been forced to move back to South Park into his now abandoned old house. He fixed it up and gotten three jobs to support his children. He knew that he needed to bring someone in to look after them while he was at work, that's where Leopold came in.

Butters had stayed in South Park and gotten a job instead of going to higher education, but he eventually got laid off when the company went out of business, now Kenny paid him to work as a childminder. It wasn't that big a deal, Butters loved looking after the kids and the kids saw their Uncle Butters as more of a second father.

If he didn't have Butters now, he'd kill himself. Butters was Kenny's babysitter, and always looked after the kids while Kenny worked.

Kenny stepped into the living room and smiled, curled up together and sleeping on the couch were his two daughters and son: Stanley, Kylie and Erica.

He had named them after his best friends. After all, they had always been there for him.

* * *

 **Be sure to check out the new oneshot 'Tied Together' in the oneshot series and leave your thoughts.**


	4. Chapter 4: Thrown in Kyle's Lap

Functional

Chapter 4: Thrown in Kyle's Lap

Stan woke to sound of Ethan pounding on his door and shouting for his dads, Kyle was still asleep, which was odd because he was the light sleeper. He swung his legs out of bed and opened the door to the child who looked like his clone.

"Be quiet," Stan gently scolded, not wanting to be too loud, "Daddy's still asleep."

Ethan grinned and raised his arms to say that he wanted to be lifted, Stan sighed but decided to indulge him, he didn't want to deal with a three-year-old who wanted too much attention and wasn't getting it. He carried his son downstairs and set him at the kitchen table, planting a kiss on his forehead.

"Do you want waffles?" Stan asked the boy, getting a cheer in response.

Stan put some frozen waffles in the toaster and sat at the table to wait for them, he was waiting for the phone call from his mother to inform him of Jimbo's reaction to Ned's death.

It came as he set two plates of waffles on the table, he walked to the wall-mounted phone and answered it, "Hello?"

" _Stanley?_ "

"Hi mom," Stan said as he brought the phone to the table.

" _I have some bad news Stanley._ "

"If it's about Ned then I already know."

" _How?_ "

"Kyle was operating on him when he died," Stan leaned back in his chair, running a hand over his face. He could hear Sharon gasp loudly over the phone.

" _How is he?_ "

"He doesn't think he can face Jimbo, he's really guilty."

" _Of course he would, I'd feel bad in his position. Can you make it later though, Jimbo will want to see you._ "

Stan heard Jake begin crying upstairs, "Gotta go and sort out the baby before he wakes Kyle, see you later."

" _Bye._ "

As soon as Stan hung up the phone the crying stopped, Kyle appeared moments later at the bottom of the stairs looking hurriedly dressed with his ushanka sitting lopsided on his head, holding a bottle to Jake's mouth.

"Hey dude," Stan said as he got up and walk over to his husband, he kissed him gently and tugged on the ear flap of his ushanka to level it out before taking a quick step back to admire his handiwork.

"Hey," Kyle replied, he looked like he had forced himself to get up.

"Are you okay?" Stan asked, Kyle had dark rings around his eyes, but that was probably just because he had gotten to sleep quite late.

"Yeah," Kyle sat in one of the chairs as Stan got back to preparing some waffles for the family.

"Mom wants us to go and see Jimbo later," Stan said as he searched for the maple syrup, "Will you be tagging along?"

"Yeah," Kyle sighed, "I'll come."

"You'll be fine."

Kyle let a small smile creep onto his face when Stan kissed his cheek and some waffles were set in front of him, "At least I know I've got your vote of confidence."

"You always will," Stan said, his blue eyes locked on Kyle's greens.

"I might feel better if I apologise to him."

"Even though it wasn't your fault, operating after being up for eighteen hours straight with no dinner is a recipe for disaster."

"If I didn't try he would have definitely died, I had to make the decision to operate and hope he made it through the operation."

"You did your best," Stan said as he shoved some waffle into his mouth, "That's all anyone can ask."

Kyle nodded as he set Jake into his highchair and gave Ethan a kiss on the forehead, "I didn't really have a choice."

"Exactly," Stan said, "Your record for situations like that is still pretty good."

Kyle nodded again, Stan was correct about his record.

"We'll drop the kids off at your parents' house and then we'll go and see Jimbo."

"Okay then."

Kyle's efforts to reconcile with Sheila had bore fruit. After actually regaining a mother-son relationship, she had enlisted the help of Gerald and Ike to help her become comfortable with her son's relationship with his male best friend. Now she treated the pair as she would if Kyle was with a woman and she ran a rotation with Sharon for who would babysit the kids if needed. Not that it often was, due to the fact that Stan was a stay-at-home dad.

Stan took Kyle's empty plate from in front of him, "If Jimbo gives you shit, we'll leave. I don't care how much he's hurting, no one insults my husband."

"You're incredible," Kyle's lips turned up into a smile, drawing one out of Stan as well.

"Only for you."

* * *

"Hello bubbeh!"

Sheila was always happy to see her son and his family drop by, ushering them into the house and pulling Kyle into a hug.

"Hi ma," Kyle returned the hug and kissed Sheila on the cheek.

"Thanks for taking the kids on such short notice," Stan said, carrying a bag filled with nappies and formula for the baby.

"Oh it's a pleasure," Sheila smiled, pulling Ethan into a hug, "They're no trouble at all."

"It's possible?" Kyle grinned as he took a seat on the couch.

"Ethan isn't that bad," Stan laughed, "Just a bit hyperactive."

"We still have a lot of Kyle's old toys, he loves playing with them. Sometimes he forces Gerald to join in, Kyle did that too."

Stan laughed at the image of a very young Kyle forcing Gerald to play with his toy cars, it wasn't out of character.

"We'd better go see Jimbo before mom calls," Stan said.

"I heard from Randy," Gerald said, entering from the kitchen, "I don't think I ever saw Jimbo and Ned apart."

"They were a lot like you two," Sheila said, "It wasn't right when one was without the other."

Stan looked over to Kyle, who had his eyes cast to the floor.

Kyle's phone went off as they were stepping out from the Broflovski household, he pulled out of his pocket to check it and groaned.

"What's wrong?" Stan asked with a note of concern in his voice.

"Someone hasn't gone into work," Kyle frowned, "They want me to go in."

"Do you want to?"

"I'll get paid for it or I might get another day off," Kyle shrugged, "Yeah I'll go in."

"I'll see you later then I guess," Stan had been looking forward to spending some time with Kyle after seeing Jimbo and it showed.

"I'm sorry," Kyle picked up on this, "You know that I'd much rather spend time with you."

"Yeah," Stan pulled his husband into a hug, "I know."

Kyle kissed Stan and they walked off in opposite directions.

* * *

"If you're coming in, then hurry up turd!"

Shelly hadn't grown out of calling Stan and anyone associated with him a turd for a very simple reason.

She was jealous of her brother.

Like Cartman, Shelly had flunked out of college, but instead of doing something like Cartman, she went home and leeched off her mother. She was unemployed, purely because she was lazy and refused to get a job, much to Sharon's chagrin. She thought it was an insult that Stan didn't work either, especially since Stan had a job while Kyle was in medical school.

There was one spot on one of the chairs in the room, so Stan sat down there.

"I'm sorry about what happened," Stan said as he turned to look at his distraught uncle.

"It's not like you could do anything," Jimbo sighed, "Only the person who operated on him could save him, they didn't."

"Do you know who operated on him?" Randy asked.

"Yeah."

Randy turned to Stan, "Where's Kyle?"

"He got called into work," Stan replied.

"Good, I don't want that murderer here."

Stan's head shot up to stare at his uncle in shock as everyone else in the room gasped.

"Oh god," Sharon could see the impending events.

"What the fuck?" Stan frowned at his uncle.

"He didn't save Ned!"

"You narrow-minded prick. I don't care how much losing Ned hurts, you don't say shit about my husband! Kyle operated on Ned at midnight, he got up at five in the morning. He did his best to save him."

"But he didn't, that's basically the same as killing him!"

"NO IT FUCKING ISN'T!" Stan exploded, he took a deep breath to compose himself before continuing, "Ned was definitely going to die if nothing was done, so Kyle tried to save his life but couldn't act quick enough. He's been beating himself up about it today and when he got home last night, he doesn't you calling him a murderer!"

Stan walked out, absolutely fuming. He stood still outside as he decided what to do or where to go.

"Stanley?"

Stan turned to see his mother stepping out.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm fine," Stan sighed, "Sorry about that."

"Trust me, I get it," Sharon smiled sadly, "It hurts hearing people talk about your other half like that. I used to hate people badmouthing Randy when I was still with him."

"You didn't see him last night," Stan said, "You didn't see the look of failure in his eyes."

"I know."

"It killed me to see him like that."

"I don't think you reacted too well in there," Sharon said after a while, "But I don't think he reacted well either and I can understand why you acted the way you did."

Stan sighed again, "I'm going to go get the kids and hang out with them today."

Sharon nodded in understanding, "Tell them grandma said hi."

* * *

"Dr. Marsh?"

Kyle looked up from the paperwork he had to fill out concerning his last patient, it had only been a diagnosis, but he had to fill it out all the same, "What's up."

"There's someone who wants to see you."

Kyle stood, "What's the problem?"

"They're not sick or anything, they said it was urgent."

"Send them in here," Kyle said as he sat back down.

Jimbo eventually walked through the opened door, Kyle immediately cast his head down.

"Hey Jimbo," The tremor was obvious in Kyle's voice.

"Hello Kyle," Jimbo frowned.

Kyle raised his eyes for a second and saw the fire in Jimbo's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Kyle spoke slowly.

"You didn't save him," Jimbo growled, "You were supposed to save him and you failed."

"I know," Kyle admitted, "And I'm sorry, I don't know what more I can do."

Kyle was tearing up, something that Jimbo noticed, "You're pathetic, but you're also a murderer. You aren't even worth my time."

Jimbo left and Kyle turned back to his paper work, he couldn't concentrate on it as he eyes overflowed.

"Dr. Marsh?" A nurse had walked into his office, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kyle took a deep breath and wiped his eyes, "I'm fine."

"Maybe you should go home," She said, "I'll tell the director."

* * *

Kyle was leaving the hospital when his phone went off, it was a text from his mother.

 _Can you come over? We need to tell you something._

He made the short drive to Sheila's and knocked on the door. Sheila's mood was completely different to when he and Stan dropped the kids off before. Stan was playing with Ethan on the floor (he'd been forced to play with the fire engine) and Gerald was holding Jake. Sheila was nervously playing with her fingers.

"Ma?" Kyle could see how nervous Sheila was and it transferred to him, "What's going on?"

"Stanley, can you take the kids upstairs?" She asked, "I need to talk to Kyle."

"Yeah okay," Stan replied furrowing his brow, he took Jake out of Gerald's arms and turned to Ethan, "Ethan, I'll play with you upstairs."

Ethan cheered and bounded up the stairs holding the car he was playing with.

"What's wrong ma?" Kyle asked, suddenly very scared, "Is something wrong?"

"Take a seat Kyle," Gerald said, "We have some bad news."

Kyle did as he was asked and sat on the sofa.

"Recently, your mother found something and went to the clinic in Denver," Gerald began.

"They told us it was nothing to worry about," Sheila continued, "But a week ago it hadn't receded, so we went back."

"What hadn't receded?" Kyle asked, his voice quivering.

Sheila beckoned Kyle over and pulled down the neck of her shirt, exposing part of her collarbone.

Kyle's eyes widened with fright, "Is that what I think it is?"

Sheila nodded and Kyle ran his fingers over a small lump on her collarbone.

"Kyle," Gerald's tone was incredibly soft, as if it would nullify the impending bad news, "Your mother has been diagnosed with terminal skin cancer."

Kyle's eyes filled with tears again, but this time he sobbed.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Kyle asked, "When you found out?"

"Please understand Kyle," Sheila said, "It isn't easy to tell your son 'I'm going to die'."

"Don't say it like that," Kyle whined, clutching at his mother like he was a child again, "It makes it worse."

They sat in silence, the only sounds being Kyle's hiccupy sobs.

"Does Ike know?" Kyle asked.

"We called him down, we wanted to tell him in person," Sheila said, "I'm so sorry Kyle."

"Why are you sorry? Whoever told you that it wasn't anything to worry about is the one at fault, he shouldn't have dismissed a lump like that so easily."

They fell back into silence, Kyle eventually calmed down and went upstairs to explain what was going on to Stan.

"Mrs. Broflovski?" Stan asked when he came down the stairs, he was always formal with her, even though Sheila consistently told him not to be, "Would it be alright for the kids to stay over tonight, it's been a really bad day for Kyle and I think it would be best if he had time to let everything sink in."

"It's no trouble at all," Sheila replied.

"Thanks, I'll drop their stuff off later."

* * *

Kyle lay across the couch with his ushanka on his chest, his head was in Stan's lap and Stan's hand was tangled in the mass of curls on his head.

"What did I do to deserve all this shit?" Kyle moaned as Stan played with his hair, "I save lives on a regular basis, I provide for my family, I try to be the best father and husband I can be. What does God have against me?"

"Maybe Mole was right," Stan sighed.

"Maybe he thinks I've had it good for too long."

"You don't deserve this shit," Stan said and he pulled Kyle into a sitting position over his lap, "You're amazing."

Stan pulled Kyle into a kiss and Kyle felt his stomach erupt in butterflies, a testament to how great a husband Stan was to him and a testament to how much he loved him.

"Will you be up to meeting with Kenny tonight?" Stan asked. They met Kenny every Saturday night at Skeeter's bar.

"Maybe I need to get drunk."

* * *

 **Kyle has some really bad luck.**


	5. Chapter 5: Skeeter's

**This chapter has the least amount of changes to it out of any of the rewritten chapters so far**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 5: Skeeter's

Stan saw the orange parka in their usual spot in a booth by the window as soon as he walked into Skeeter's bar. He intertwined his fingers with Kyle's and pulled him over. They met here with Kenny every Saturday night, normally ending with a drunk Kenny. Kyle didn't drink much because he knew that Stan was still scared to. It had taken him until the first party they went to after they got engaged to realise that by getting shit-faced he was being disrespectful and he began to drink less, no matter how much Stan told him he didn't have to.

"Hey!" Kenny grinned as his two best friends approached him, he had taken the position of Kyle's best man at the wedding, because Cartman, however nice he may have become, still had a tendency to make an anti-Semitic remark. He had taken the position of Stan's.

"Hey Kenny," Stan replied as Kyle sat closest to the window and remained silent.

"How's the day been?"

"Swell," Kyle grumbled.

Stan nudged him, "Don't be like that."

Kyle rolled his eyes and slouched down in his seat.

"What's up?" Kenny asked, refraining from making the usual Cartman comment involving sand and vaginas.

"Shit's gone down," Kyle sighed, he turned to Stan and pulled some notes out of his wallet, "Get me a beer, whatever the hell you want and Kenny…"

"A beer."

"A beer."

Stan nodded, "Alright then."

"What do you mean 'shit's gone down'?" Kenny asked as Stan went to get the drinks.

"Did you hear about the bus crash last night?" Kyle asked.

Kenny nodded.

"Well I had to stay late to deal with the victims, I lost my last patient when I operated on him at midnight."

"I'm sorry," Kenny said, "Midnight? You must've been running on fumes."

Kyle nodded, "The person I lost was Ned. You remember Ned don't you?"

"Jimbo's friend?"

Kyle nodded again, "Jimbo seems to think I'm a murderer now, he came to see me at work and told me that."

"Cold, that was uncalled for."

"Stan defended me against him when he went to see him."

"He'd defend you if you caused a mass genocide."

"I know, I'm lucky."

Kenny hummed in agreement.

"Anyway," Kyle continued, "We'd dropped the kids off at my parents' house, so we went to pick them up."

Kenny nodded to show he was still listening.

"My ma had some bad news for me."

"What? Something happen to Ike?"

"As far as I know, he's still in law school in New York."

"So what was it?"

"A clinic in Denver misdiagnosed a lump."

Kenny's jaw dropped as far as his parka would let it, "No…"

Kyle nodded once again, "She has cancer and they diagnosed it too late."

"I'm so sorry man," Kenny said as Kyle took deep breaths, he'd done enough crying today.

It was at this point Stan returned with two beers for Kyle and Kenny and a coke for himself. Kyle grabbed his glass and downed half of it without stopping to breathe.

"Drinking doesn't really help," Stan said, his blue eyes laced with concern, "I found that out when I was ten, and again when I was thirteen."

"I just feel like drinking," Kyle muttered.

"Just let him cut loose," Kenny said, "Take his mind off things for a bit."

"I wasn't going to stop him," Stan held his hands up, "I was telling him not to use drinking to cope with everything that's gone on."

"I'm not," Kyle said, laying his hand on top of Stan's and looking into his eyes, "Just tonight, I promise."

"Okay," Stan conceded, pecking his lips.

"So Kenny," Kyle turned to the hooded man, "How are the kids?"

"They're doing fine, Stanley asked me yesterday where his mommy is."

"That must've been awkward," Stan chuckled.

"Damn right," Kenny grinned, "I completely shifted the subject by giving him my old parka."

"You mean the one that looks _exactly_ like the one you're wearing now?" Kyle asked as he drained the rest of his beer.

"Like you can talk," Kenny laughed, "Ushanka boy."

Kyle grinned back, "I didn't say I could!"

"Does he like it?" Stan asked, also smiling.

"Oh yes, he wears it as much as I used to."

Stan was about to get some money out to buy the next round of drinks when Kyle stopped him.

"You still have some of the money I gave you before don't you?"

Stan nodded.

Kyle smiled, "Use that then."

Stan furrowed his eyebrows, "Are you sure?"

"I'm a Jew who's being charitable with his money, don't question it."

Stan nodded and went to get more drinks.

The door to the bar opened and Kenny turned around to see who it was purely out of curiosity, the look on his face matched Kyle's when he saw the tubby man enter the bar and start walking over to them.

"Hey," He said nervously.

"Cartman?" Kyle asked, he turned to Kenny, "Did you put something in my drink?"

Kenny shook his head.

"It's been a while," Cartman said sheepishly.

"Damn fucking right it has," Kyle said, "Where have you been these past nine years? We want to finally get answers."

"Travelling."

"That's what you said last time," Kenny said, "We want proper answers."

"I've been a salesman," Cartman said, "Buying bits of old junk and selling them for profit."

Kyle nodded sceptically, he was certain there was more to the story.

"What the fuck?"

Kyle turned his head to see Stan looking at them with a dumbfounded face. He kept walking and set the drinks down.

"We're busy interrogating him," Kyle explained, giving Stan a few more dollars, "Get him a…"

"Dr. Pepper."

"Dr. Pepper."

Stan nodded.

"Kyle paying for drinks?" Cartman grinned, "Are you sure you're a Jew?"

"Kyle is definitely a Jew," Stan smirked as he turned to get Cartman's drink, "I would know."

Kenny laughed loudly and Kyle flushed a deep red.

"Anyway," Kyle said, "What brings you back here?"

"I'm getting married," Cartman replied.

"Congratulations," Kenny smiled, "I knew you'd get there eventually."

"I'm just worried about what you guys will think of who I'm getting married to."

Stan returned with Cartman's Dr. Pepper, "What'd I miss?"

"Cartman's getting married," Kenny explained.

"Really? To who?"

They each stared at Cartman expectantly.

"Wendy," Cartman sighed.

"Testaburger?" Kenny asked incredulously.

"Yes."

"The one who had an unhealthy obsession with me?" Stan asked.

"Yes."

"The one who tried to have all of us but Stan killed by a vengeful psychopath?" Kyle frowned.

"Yes."

"Well… shit."

"How did that happen?" Stan asked.

"We started off as fuck buddies," Cartman explained, "Things just kind of went from there."

"As with all lasting relationships," Kyle quipped.

Stan elbowed him gave him a look as if to say 'don't start'.

"Says you Kahl!" Cartman glared at him, "Didn't your marriage start as an experiment when you were thirteen?"

"Got us there dude," Stan said.

Kyle decided not to make another comment and instead decided to drain his beer.

"Anyone feel like having any shots?" Kenny asked.

"I will," Kyle answered.

Stan and Cartman both refused, so Kyle and Kenny were the only ones taking shots of whiskey, which got them both drunk very quickly. Kyle was still a horny drunk, hence why he was situated on Stan's lap and was dry-humping him. He was also a very affectionate drunk, he was nuzzling Stan's neck softly. Kenny usually went catatonic when he was drunk and was just sitting there with his head lolling around.

"We're gonna go home now," Stan said, trying to get Kyle up with him, "C'mon dude."

Kyle held his arms up like a child, "Carry meeeee."

"No."

Kyle pouted, Stan thought he looked impossibly cute when he did, "Pleeeease.

Stan huffed, "Fine, just this once because it's a tough time."

Stan lifted Kyle bridal-style, making the redhead giggle uncontrollably. Stan felt like face-palming as he carried Kyle out to the car.


	6. Chapter 6: Hungover and Meeting Up Again

**I must admit, I was expecting a bigger response to this after the reception Dysfunctional got.**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 6: Hungover and Meeting Up Again

Kyle had a severe case of cotton mouth when he woke up the next morning, Stan was snoring next to him with an arm laid across his waist, Kyle buried his face into Stan's chest to hide from the rays of sunlight that were creeping into the room and making his head hurt. The events from the previous day rushed back to him, now he was forced to feel unbelievable guilt and crushing dread in addition to feeling like shit.

Stan stirred sometime later and pulled Kyle sleepily into a hug.

"G'morning," Stan mumbled, his eyes were still half closed.

"Morning," Kyle replied, his voice scratchy.

"How's your head?"

"I feel like Muhammed Ali is fighting my brain."

Stan chuckled and swung his legs out from under the covers, "I'll get some painkillers and something to eat, just because I'm that good a husband."

Kyle forced a grin, "I know you are, I'm still in love with you aren't I?"

"I hope so." Stan smiled back.

Kyle flopped back down to the pillows and pulled the covers tightly around himself as Stan went to get him some aspirin. Stan returned with some toast, two pills and a glass of water.

"Do you think your mom will mind us picking up the kids later?" Stan asked as he lay back down beside Kyle.

"She'll wanna spend more time with them," Kyle answered as he downed the pills, "Why, do you have plans?"

"I just don't think having two very loud children running around is very good for you at the minute."

"Do you just want to have your way with me?" Kyle smirked as he chewed on some toast.

"If you feel better, then yes I do," Stan answered as he pulled Kyle into his chest, "I always wanna love you up."

"'Love you up', that's a new one."

"C'mon," Stan said as he took the empty plate from Kyle, "Rest up, I _need_ you to be okay, we're a team."

"The best team," Kyle smiled as Stan tousled his hair.

* * *

Kenny dragged himself out of bed to see Butters making breakfast for the kids, Butters had stayed over because Cartman had dropped Kenny off the previous night and Kenny was completely plastered, Butters ended up sleeping on the couch.

Kenny's son jumped up from the table and hugged his father.

"Morning Stanley," Kenny said as he set his son back in his chair, each of his children were nine years old, separated by a month. Erica was the oldest and Stanley was the youngest.

Kenny turned to Butters as he went to make himself some coffee, "Thanks for staying last night."

"It's no bother," Butters replied, "I like looking after them."

"I doubt that it's 'no bother'," Kenny frowned, "You're basically a second father."

"And it works as an arrangement," Butters answered, "I wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it or I had other things I needed to be doing, I make enough of a living off it."

"Thanks for all the help anyway," Kenny sighed, "I'd have gone insane if I didn't have you helping out."

Butters nodded with a smile.

* * *

Kyle woke again an hour later, Stan wasn't still in bed but his head felt a bit better. He went downstairs and found Stan watching a Broncos game on the couch, Kyle went over and curled up under Stan's arms and into his side.

"How much better are you feeling?" Stan asked as he tightened his grip around Kyle.

"My head doesn't hurt as much," Kyle answered as he bunched some of Stan's T-shirt in his hand. Stan was just wearing the T-shirt he wore to bed and some boxers, Kyle was wearing one of Stan's T-shirt that he usually wore to bed and some green pyjama pants.

"What about yesterday?"

"It still hurts," Kyle sighed, "But I can't change what happened or what's going to happen."

Stan kissed Kyle's forehead gently.

"You make it easier," Kyle said softly.

Stan fell his heart swell at Kyle's words and he pulled him into a gentle kiss.

"Cartman wants to meet us for dinner," Stan said, "With him, Wendy and Kenny, they want us to take the kids."

"Tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Kyle decided after a moment of thought, "I wonder what Wendy will be like when she's not obsessed with you."

"It will be strange," Stan agreed, "But I'm spoken for."

"Yeah, you're mine," Kyle nodded, "But you being spoken for didn't stop her before."

"It did after a while."

"But she barely had any contact with us afterwards," Kyle pointed out, "It'll still be weird to see.

Stan nodded and turned his attention back to the screen.

"The Broncos are awful," Kyle said.

"Yeah," Stan sighed, "But we've always supported them, we shouldn't just stop."

"Do you miss playing football?"

"Sometimes, I just don't have the time anymore."

"You should teach Ethan and Jake how to play, when they're old enough."

"You should teach them to play basketball."

Kyle laughed, "I haven't touched a basketball since the first year of college, I've probably lost my touch."

"It was one of the only sports I wasn't the best at, you always were."

"I haven't played seriously since high school."

Stan groaned when the Broncos' opponents scored a touchdown.

"They've been an embarrassment," Stan shook his head.

"The Rapids are playing," Kyle said, "They're playing the Red Bulls."

Stan changed the channel quickly to check, the Rapids were winning 3-1.

"Remember when Cartman used to go to soccer practice just to get some KFC?" Kyle grinned.

"He used to always complain about a stomach ache so that he didn't have to exercise," Stan chuckled.

"Where are we meeting up with Fatass?" Kyle asked.

"Where do you think?"

"Shakey's?"

"Bingo."

Kyle ran his fingertips along Stan's thighs, smiling when he saw the effect it had on his husband, more precisely the tent in his boxers.

"I heard that orgasms help with headaches," Kyle smirked.

Stan chuckled, "I don't think you're well enough for strenuous activity."

"Stanley, I'm only going to say this once," Kyle growled, "You are going to take me upstairs and fuck me until I can't walk."

Stan stood and lifted Kyle bridal-style, "Since you asked so nicely."

* * *

As Cartman watched Kenny control his kids long enough to get to their table at Shakey's, he realised why he wasn't too bothered about having kids. He didn't want to deal with the moaning, the whining, the crying, the mess and the noise. Wendy was on the opposite side of the argument and Eric thought she was crazy. Kenny eventually got his kids to sit down and shut up.

"Where are the other two and their sprogs?" Cartman asked.

"They'll be on their way," Kenny assured, "They do have a six-month-old baby to contend with."

"The last time I was in South Park was when their first child was born," Cartman said, "That was just over three years ago."

"Kyle's going through a really tough time as well," Kenny added, "He has stuff to work out."

"What happened?" Wendy asked, clearly apprehensive about this whole meeting.

"It's not my place to say," Kenny sighed, "If Kyle wants people to know anything, he'll tell them."

As Kenny said this, the door to the diner opened and Kyle walked in pushing Jake in a pram, Stan followed behind him, holding Ethan's hand.

"Hey," Stan said as he took a seat next to Ethan, "Sorry we're late."

"I don't think we're that late," Kyle smiled as he took a seat on the end next to the pram.

To be brutally honest, Kenny never thought he'd see Kyle pull funny faces for a baby like he was now, it was more of a Stan thing. Even so, Jake seemed to be enjoying it, giggling at his father. Kyle got a small feeling of satisfaction when he saw Wendy looking at him with a hint of jealousy.

"You have cute children," Wendy said quietly.

"I know," Kyle's grin grew, "Stan cried at each of the births."

"I did not cry," Stan shook his head, "I shed a manly tear of joy."

Ethan clearly didn't want to be there and was slouched in his chair, Stan tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"Cheer up, Uncle Kenny's gonna be upset if you don't say 'hi'."

To add to Stan's point, Kenny pouted playfully.

Ethan groaned, "Hi Uncle Kenny."

"So how did this happen?" Kyle asked Cartman, "You two hated each other back in high school."

"We met up while I was travelling," Cartman explained, "No one from South Park went to Yale so I guess she was glad to see someone from home. We met up for dinner and decided on a strictly fun, no strings attached agreement. Obviously we decided to attach strings to it after a while."

"And you came back down to South Park for the wedding?" Kenny asked.

Cartman nodded, "It might become a permanent arrangement."

"We had our wedding in South Park," Stan said.

"Now we just need to find Kenny someone to marry," Kyle grinned.

"I've got my hands full with the kids," Kenny said.

"Yeah Kahl," Cartman smirked, "Besides, Kenny's married to Butters."

Kenny choked on his Sprite as everyone else laughed.

"Speaking of," Kyle said, "Where is Butters? I thought he'd have tagged along with you."

"He's going to see his mom," Kenny answered, "You know what she's like."

Stan sighed as Kyle shook his head, "She needs to be put in a home."

"What wrong with Butter's mom?" Wendy asked.

"She has serious emotional issues," Kyle explained, "His dad ran off with some black, gay guy," He stopped for a moment, one eyebrow raised and eyes looking up in thought, "I think it was four years ago, Butters hasn't heard from him since."

"It really messed up his mom too," Stan continued, "Cartman's mom still lives next door to them, apparently she can hear Mrs. Stotch still shouting at her husband."

"Jeez," Cartman was shocked, "How is she still in her own home?"

Kenny shrugged.

It wasn't long after that the pizza came. Predictably, Cartman ate the most and Kyle ate the least.

"I wanna go hoooome," Ethan whined.

"No," Stan stated simply, "We're not leaving yet."

Ethan groaned loudly.

"Why don't you take him to the kids' play area?" Kyle asked as Jake began crying, he pulled the baby out of the pram and bounced him on his chest.

"What's wrong with Jake?" Stan asked.

Kyle took a large sniff, "He's probably hungry. Can you get his bottle out of the bag?"

In the bottom of the pram there was a bag filled with various items for looking after the baby, including a filled bottle. Kyle put the bottle to Jake's lips and immediately the crying was replaced with soft suckling noises.

Kenny nudged his son, "Take your sisters and go with Uncle Stan, the adults need to talk about adult stuff."

Stanley sighed, "Kylie, Erica! Dad says we have to go with Uncle Stan."

The two girls got up from the table and followed Stan to the kids' play area.

"Named them after Stan, Kyle and Eric I see," Wendy smiled.

Kenny nodded, "They helped me through a really tough time with the circumstances surrounding their conception. Stanley's middle name is Leopold for Butters."

"I still can't believe you got yourself into that," Kyle sighed.

"What happened?" Wendy asked.

"They all have different mothers," Cartman explained, "Kenny got dumped with them after they were born."

"Three different girls pregnant at the same time by the same guy," Kyle said, "Not something you hear often."

"Did you and Stan adopt?" Wendy turned to Kyle.

"No, Bebe was our surrogate for both of them. Ethan was made with Stan's genes, Jake with mine. I'm surprised you didn't hear about it."

"Bebe and I drifted apart in high school."

"Why?"

"I was a bitch back then."

"At least you can admit it," Kyle remarked offhandedly, earning a glare from both Wendy and Cartman.

"Anyway…" Wendy continued, "I turned a lot of people against her after those photos of her were leaked by Jason because I was narrow-minded about the situation, I ditched her when she needed me the most. Friendships don't recover after things like that.

"Not necessarily, Stan's held a gun to my head before. We all had flaws in high school," Kyle said, "Let's be honest. You had an unhealthy obsession with Stan."

"AY! Don't talk about my fiancée like that!" Cartman growled.

Kyle turned and looked Cartman right in the eye, "Trent Boyett."

Cartman paled, "Fair point."

Kyle put Jake back in the pram when the bottle was empty, "Stan would become depressed pretty easily, I had anger management issues, the only accurate description for Cartman was a beached whale with a razor…"

"AY!"

"…and Kenny spent too much time playing with old men's balls. We all had problems, Wendy's just annoyed me most because Stan was my boyfriend."

Wendy nodded slowly, "That makes sense."

Kenny sighed, "We've all really grown up haven't we?"

Kyle shrugged, "We had to. Especially if we had kids, if you have them you can't act like one. We have to move past difficult times as best we can."

"Says the one who still has a fear of rimjobs," Kenny smirked.

Kyle glared at him before continuing, "We're lucky we all had half a brain with how stupid our parents were. Hell, my mom started a war with Canada."

"It's a good thing Stan's minding the kids if we're talking about stupid parents," Cartman chuckled, "He'll go on and on about his dad endlessly."

"You can't say he makes it all up," Kyle laughed, "Randy also had a habit of telling everyone to calm down when he was losing his shit."

"How does Stan get on with Randy?" Wendy asked.

"We see him at Christmas and Easter," Kyle replied, "And no more often than that."

"You celebrate Christmas and Easter?" Cartman asked incredulously.

"We raise the kids with both religions and we do all the holidays, I'm though only who fasts though."

"Has Stan been converted?"

"No, he's still a catholic."

Cartman nodded in approval and Kyle rolled his eyes.

"What do you all do for a living?" Wendy asked.

"I'm a mechanic, electrician and a plumber," Kenny answered.

"I'm a surgeon," Kyle replied, his eyes darkening slightly, "But I do diagnosis work as well."

"What about Stan?" Cartman said.

"He stays at home to look after the kids, he's thinking about going back to work when Jake starts school."

Cartman nodded, "I'm a salesman."

"I'm in pharmaceuticals," Wendy said.

"Cool," Kyle said.

* * *

"How was everything with Wendy?" Stan asked when he and Kyle were curled up together in bed later that night, "She cause much trouble?"

"No she didn't," Kyle answered, "She did a lot of catching up though. Did you see her when Jake needed feeding?"

"No why?"

Kyle grinned as he pecked Stan gently, "She was so jealous."

Stan pulled Kyle closer, "Anyone would be jealous of the life we've built together."


	7. Chapter 7: Rekindling a Rivalry

**In answer to a review, don't worry, Functional will be finished.**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 7: Rekindling the Rivalry

Kyle was working as hard as he could to finish the remaining paperwork to a good standard so he could go home and see his family. His parents and Sharon were stopping over for dinner, a monthly occurrence that Stan had suggested and had also suggested that they leave Randy out of at the same time.

Kyle completely understood.

Randy had a habit of doing before thinking and Stan had usually been the one who had to pick up the mess. Having Sharon and Randy in the same room usually ended in an argument because Randy had a habit of being insensitive. Stan was ultimately closer to his mother and that was why he invited her over.

When Stan had turned twenty-one, Randy had taken him to a bar (even though Stan refused to touch alcohol) and had invited Kyle along because Randy did actually like Kyle. Stan, being the far-too-kind soul that he was, had agreed to go but not drink. When the smell of alcohol was starting to overwhelm him he had gone to the bathroom and Kyle had tagged along. Upon re-emerging five minutes later, Randy had loudly announced that his gay son had gone to the bathroom with boyfriend and they didn't have sex. Stan had made choked sound of horror and Kyle's face had gone as red as his hair, he had found it difficult to speak throughout the rest of the outing (although he had ranted later on).

Stan was still apologising three weeks later.

As soon as he finished and filed away the paperwork he stood and left the hospital to go to his car. He sat in the driver's seat motionless for a few seconds before starting the car and pulling out.

* * *

"I'm home!" He called as he stepped over threshold.

He immediately heard quick footsteps as Ethan ran over to him, when Ethan had first started doing this, he'd barrel into Kyle's legs and completely take him out. Now Kyle was able to time a catch and lift him into a hug.

"Hey bud," Kyle chuckled as he kissed his son's forehead.

Ethan didn't reply, but Kyle kept hold of him as he walked into the kitchen. Stan was at the oven.

"How long do I have before they come over?" The redhead asked.

Stan was concentrating on the food, "About half an hour. Hi, by the way."

Kyle laughed, "Hey dude. I thought I wouldn't have to say it because it's just a formality."

Stan looked to him and smiled, "I'm still waiting for my hello kiss."

Kyle set Ethan on the floor and pecked Stan's lips, "There you go, you needy bitch."

"Daddy said a bad word," Ethan said in tone that said ' _you're in trouble_ '.

"He did," Stan agreed, "And I'd better not hear you say words like that or I'll wash your mouth out with soap like we are with Daddy now. Ethan, get the soap from upstairs."

Kyle looked at Stan with horror as Ethan ran upstairs, giggling as he did so.

"I've told you to stop swearing around them," Stan glowered playfully, although his tone was serious.

"I'm sorry," Kyle grinned sheepishly, "I can't help it."

Stan had been able to train himself to stop swearing around his kids, he was still as bad as he used to be when they couldn't hear. Kyle hadn't been able to train himself, he still had a mouth that was in urgent need of soap.

"Just try," Stan shook his head, winding his arms around his husband's waist, "I don't want them being as bad as us or getting into trouble because of it."

"I do try!" Kyle exclaimed indignantly.

Stan pressed a finger to Kyle's lips, "You'll wake Jake up."

"I'll go up and see him in a bit," Kyle spoke with Stan's finger still on his lips.

"I got a phone call today," Stan said after a little while of just holding each other.

Kyle hummed to show he was listening.

"My family want to have another reunion," Stan explained, "They wanted to know whether we're going."

"When is it?" Kyle asked.

"A month away, I said that I'll talk to you about it."

"These are the same people who didn't show up to our wedding?"

Stan nodded, "We don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Just give me some time to think about it."

At this point, Ethan bounded into the kitchen, holding the bottle of soap from the kitchen. The boy handed it to Stan who squirted some onto his fingers.

"I was serious Kyle," Stan smirked.

Kyle ran to the bedroom he shared with Stan and tried his best to hold the door closed. Stan was taller and stronger, so he opened the door with ease and cornered his husband.

"What kind of example are you setting to your son?" Stan grinned as he pinned Kyle to the wall.

"Get off me Stan!" Kyle struggled.

Stan forced his soaped-up fingers into Kyle's mouth and rolled them around his tongue, the widening of Kyle's eyes was almost comical.

"YOU FUCKING PRICK!" Kyle bellowed when the fingers left his mouth, "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Stan descended into uproarious laughter, "That's only going to make things worse."

Kyle pulled Stan into a kiss and forced his tongue into his mouth, spreading the soapy taste into Stan's mouth.

"You devious little…" Stan smiled at his husband.

"You fucking deserve it," Kyle huffed.

"Aw c'mon," Stan pulled Kyle into a hug, "Don't be like that. You know you can't stay mad at me."

Kyle eventually relented and returned the hug, "Goddamnit."

* * *

"Did you get told about the reunion?" Sharon asked as they sat down to dinner.

"Yeah," Stan replied, "We don't know whether we're going yet."

"I am," Sharon said.

"We need to properly talk about it," Kyle shrugged, "There's just a lot going on right now."

"If you don't want to go because of me then don't worry about it," Sheila frowned.

Kyle bit his lip, "I… don't know."

"You said about how they didn't come to our wedding," Stan clasped Kyle's hand in his and squeezed it gently, "We don't want to stoop to their level."

"Okay," Kyle sighed, "We'll go."

Stan leaned over to peck his cheek, "Make sure you tell me if Garrett's annoying you like last time."

"I'm a big boy Stan," Kyle said as he sipped his water, "I can take care of myself."

"I know," Stan held his hands up, "It still doesn't mean you should bottle it up."

"Stan has a point Kyle," Gerald pointed out, "He can help you with it. He is your husband."

"We're a team," Stan smiled at him, Kyle grinned back and rolled his eyes, "Say it."

"The best team," Kyle said in mock disinterest.

Stan just flashed him a giddy grin, Kyle just shook his head with a smile.

"You two are ridiculous," Sheila laughed.

Kyle shrugged, "Like we care, we are what we are."

* * *

Ethan was grouchy, he'd been dragged up at 5:30 by his dads so they could go on a trip.

"You okay?" Kyle asked as he tied the boy's laces.

"Tired," Ethan replied.

"You can sleep in the car," Kyle kissed his son's forehead, "Why don't you go upstairs and grab your pillow so you sleep easier."

"Can I get Minty?"

Minty was a green teddy bear that Ethan had owned since he was a baby.

"Of course."

Ethan sluggishly climbed up the stairs and to his room to get the aforementioned items.

"He okay?" Stan asked, holding Jake in his arms and holding a bottle to the baby's lips.

"Yeah," Kyle rubbed his eyes, "Just tired."

Ethan stepped down from the last stair and yawned, a pillow stuffed under one arm and green teddy that was half the size of him tucked under the other.

Kyle took the pillow from him and held his hand out for the boy to grasp.

"We'll get you in the car," Kyle said as they walked out to the car that had been loaded with their suitcases.

He strapped the boy into his booster seat, tucked the pillow behind him and kissed his cheek.

"We'll be leaving soon, if you want to sleep then you can."

* * *

They had set off ten minutes later, both of their sons were asleep in the back seat.

"You can sleep too," Stan said, he was driving.

"If you want me to stay awake, I will," Kyle replied with a yawn.

"Just plug your phone into the radio," Stan smiled, "Put our playlist on."

Kyle smiled at him and did as he was asked, "I think you know what song's coming on first."

Stan smiled back, "I do."

'Something About Us' filled the car and Kyle leaned over to rest his head on Stan's shoulder.

"This song reminds me so much of you," Stan said softly.

"Likewise, how could it remind me of anything else? That was one of the three best days of my life."

"What were the other two?"

Kyle laughed, "What do you think?"

"The births of our boys?"

"Bingo."

"I love you," Stan said, "I feel like I haven't said it enough lately."

"I love you too," Kyle answered, kissing Stan's cheek, "You tell me every day."

"You deserve to hear it multiple times every day."

* * *

Stan knocked on the door as he held Ethan's hand, Kyle was leaning on the pram that held Jake. The door was opened by Garrett.

"Hey, Stan!" He greeted brightly, crushing Stan's hand in a handshake.

"Hey Uncle Garrett," Stan smiled, just being friendly like usual.

"Kyle," Garrett nodded to Stan's husband and he got a nod in response.

"So these are the sprogs?"

Stan nodded, gesturing to the boy that was clutching his hand, "This is Ethan and the baby is Jake."

"Come in."

They stepped in and Kyle took Jake out of the pram, Stan folded it up and took it upstairs.

"We have another baby here," Garrett said.

"Jake's pretty quiet as far as babies go," Kyle explained, "Ethan was difficult."

Stan was down pretty quickly and was astonished to see Kyle making small talk with Garrett.

"You guys want a drink or something?" Garrett asked.

"I'll get them," Kyle handed Jake off to Stan.

* * *

Garrett stepped into the kitchen while Kyle was filling three cups with water.

"So, you married him?"

Kyle nodded, "Yep."

"You had better not corrupt any kids here."

"You're actually starting this shit again," Kyle laughed.

"I am," Garrett frowned, "I'm serious."

"Don't worry," Kyle smiled sarcastically, "Stan will be the only one who remains corrupted."

"He better had be."

* * *

 **I have a few oneshot ideas but if you want to request a oneshot that takes place in the Dysfunctional universe, PM me or leave a review, if I like the idea I'll use it. There's one coming up which is a game of 'Never Have I Ever' so leave some stuff for that too. If you're going to leave ideas in the reviews, actually leave some feedback and not just the idea.**


	8. Chapter 8: Trying Times

Functional

Chapter 8: Trying Times

Ethan jolted awake.

That dream was scary.

He did what he always did after having a bad dream and padded to his dads' room, he pushed opened the door quietly. His dads were under the covers and making soft noises whilst kissing a lot.

"Daddy?"

Stan's head turned around and Kyle looked over his shoulder, both with wide eyes and looking like rabbits caught in the headlights.

"Can you wait outside for a second Ethan?" Stan asked slowly, "And close the door behind you."

Ethan walked out, hearing Kyle say, "I thought I told you to lock the door."

* * *

A matter of minutes later and Stan was now clad in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt and Kyle was wearing what he usually wore to bed, replacing his ushanka on his head. They had tactically tucked their boners into their waist bands to hide them. Stan walked over to the door and saw Ethan standing patiently outside.

"What's wrong dude?" Stan asked, lifting his son up.

"I had a bad dream," Ethan yawned.

"C'mon, let's get back to bed."

"Can I sleep with you?"

Stan stalled.

"Yes he can," He heard Kyle from inside, the man was irritable after having his sex interrupted.

Stan turned on his heel and carried his son into the room, setting him in between himself and his husband.

"What's up?" Kyle asked.

"Bad dream," Stan explained.

Kyle nodded and hugged his son close to himself, "It's only a dream, everything's okay."

"But what if it isn't?" Ethan asked quietly, Kyle pulled his son tighter.

"I'll make it okay."

Ethan looked to be settling to sleep when he asked, "What were you doing before?"

Kyle blushed, "Wrestling."

Ethan just snuggled his face into Kyle's chest, "Daddy's good at it."

Kyle chuckled as Stan spluttered, when the boy in between them fell asleep Kyle leaned over to whisper in his husband's ear.

"As soon as we have a free moment tomorrow, we're picking up where we left off."

Stan nodded and kissed his husband, "Definitely."

* * *

Ethan had gotten up earlier than his dads and had encountered his Nan on the landing as he left the bedroom.

"Good morning Ethan," Sharon smiled, "You sleep with your daddies last night?"

Ethan nodded, "They're lazy."

"They still asleep?"

"Yep."

Sharon bent down and picked up her grandson, "Do you want me to make you some breakfast?"

Ethan grinned and nodded.

Sharon carried him downstairs and set him in a chair at the kitchen table, she was amazed at how much like Stan the boy looked.

* * *

They had been at the reunion for two weeks and it had actually been rather boring, there had been a complete lack of anything interesting happening.

Other than Kyle's rivalry with Garrett, but most people didn't know about that anyway. Kyle had kept his word and told Stan, but he had also told Stan to do nothing. Garrett wasn't as much of an annoyance as he was last time.

Stan woke up first and saw that his son wasn't in the bed with them. He wasn't worried, Ethan was an early riser and there would be people awake by now.

Stan was feeling lazy so he snuggled up to Kyle's sleeping form and attempted to go back to sleep, but Kyle, as the light-sleeper he was, stirred and opened an eye.

"Morning dude," The Jew smiled.

"Morning," Stan replied, kissing Kyle's forehead.

"Ethan isn't here," Kyle smirked.

Stan was still half-asleep and he didn't catch the implication, "I know."

"Lock the door."

Stan caught on immediately and he smiled as he stood from the bed and basically ran to the door to lock it, "This is going to make up for last night's abrupt end."

* * *

Kyle was holding Jake whilst Stan held him in his lap, Ethan was on the floor, playing with some of the other kids.

"So how long have you two been married?" An old lady asked.

"Just over nine years," Stan answered, he could see Kyle holding back the urge to make a snide comment about only seeing a select few of them at the wedding even though Stan had invited all of them in a moment of overexcited giddiness.

"You look very happy together."

"We are," Stan smiled with pride, "Kyle's awesome, we're always on the same page."

Kyle's phone went off at this moment, he quickly checked the caller ID.

"It's my Dad," He told his husband, "I gotta go take this."

"Okay dude," Stan nodded as Kyle kissed his cheek before stepping into the kitchen.

* * *

Garrett finished his drink, giving him an excuse to follow that cock-sucking fag into the kitchen. He was going to wait until he finished to spew insults, but Kyle looked panicked and his eyes had a distinct sheen.

"I'll get back as soon as I can," Kyle sighed, "Talk to you soon."

Kyle shoved his phone in his pocket and lashed out at the table leg with a kick, ignoring the rush of pain that shot through his socked foot. He turned and saw Garrett standing in the doorway.

"I'm not in the mood for your shit right now," Kyle said as he made a move to brush past him, "My ma's just died."

"Oh shit," Garrett was sympathetic, he'd lost his mother the year before, "I'm sorry."

Kyle probably didn't hear him, he was already walking over to Stan and dragging him up the stairs and to the room they were using.

"What happened," Stan asked with concern, noticing Kyle's wet eyes.

"My ma," Kyle buried his face in Stan's chest, Stan replied by wrapping his arms around Kyle's waist, "She's just died, like an hour ago."

"Oh fuck," Stan tightened his grip as Kyle began to sob, "I'm so sorry dude."

"We have to go back," Kyle cried.

"Of course," Stan replied softly, "We'll go first thing tomorrow morning."

"It's Jewish tradition to have the funeral as soon as possible, I have to help dad with that."

Stan was shocked when Kyle pulled away and tore his T-shirt over where his heart was.

"Another tradition," Kyle told him.

Stan nodded.

"Ike's probably going to book a flight down."

Stan kissed Kyle's forehead, "Do you wanna stay up here for a bit?"

Kyle nodded, "Will you come to the funeral with me?"

Stan intertwined their fingers, "Of course I will, if you need anything, I'll do it."

Kyle gave Stan's hand a squeeze in response, they'd figure out whether they'd be taking the kids or not later. Right now he just needed to know that Stan would always be there to support him.


	9. Chapter 9: Still Difficult

Functional

Chapter 9: Still Difficult

"Thanks for coming back down Kyle," Gerald said as he gave his son a hug, "I know that you guys were all the way in San Diego."

"You don't have to thank me," Kyle replied, "Of course I'd come back for something like this."

Kyle had gone to see his father by himself, leaving Stan with the kids. Everyone at the reunion who had come from South Park had been forced to return because Sharon had been good friends with Sheila.

Gerald ushered Kyle in to the living room, where Ike was sitting on the couch. He stood and pulled his older brother into a hug.

"It's been a while," Ike said, but it didn't sound like the joke it was meant to be.

"Yeah," Kyle replied.

They both sat down at the same time and Gerald sat in an armchair next to the couch.

"When did you get here?" Kyle asked Ike.

"Last night," Ike replied, "I'm staying here with Karen, we should meet up sometime. I've missed my nephews."

"Karen McCormick?"

Ike nodded, "She lives in New York too, we started up a relationship a while ago."

"I seem to recall you telling me about it actually."

"Yeah, well ma's not going to meet her grandson."

Kyle looked to Ike in shock, "Wait… you…?"

Ike nodded.

Kyle gave a small smile, "Congrats bro."

Ike smiled back, he wasn't bothered by Kyle's subdued reaction. The news was bittersweet and Kyle would have been much more excited if it wasn't for their mother dying a day before.

"You guys caught up?" Gerald asked.

Kyle and Ike nodded.

"I'm thinking of having the funeral tomorrow," Gerald sighed, "We need to have it as soon as possible."

"I'll get the day off work," Kyle said, "I'll call them when I get home."

"I can't stay down here long," Ike chipped in, "Classes are still on and I can't miss a lot of them."

"Can you boys help me with the arrangements?"

"At least we know the synagogue's going to be free," Kyle tried to lighten the mood, but the joke fell flat.

* * *

Kyle was home at eight-thirty. Ethan hadn't gone to bed because Stan had thought that Kyle would want to see him when he got home. Kyle lifted the boy up and hugged him close, kissing his forehead gently. Stan could clearly see that Kyle had been crying.

"You should be in bed," Kyle said softly, his voice was scratchy and hoarse.

"Sorry Daddy," Ethan said as wrapped his arms as tightly around Kyle as he could.

"I think I'll be nice and let you stay up a bit longer."

Kyle sat next to Stan and perched Ethan on his lap.

"Why are you upset Daddy?"

Kyle shared a look with Stan, "I'm not."

Ethan shook his head, "You are."

Kyle nuzzled his son's hair, "You're a clever boy."

Kyle stomach made a loud noise that made Ethan giggle.

"We saved you some pizza," Stan said.

"We got pepperoni!" Ethan announced as if it was the most important fact in the world.

Kyle glanced at Stan, pepperoni was his favourite.

"It was Ethan's idea," Stan explained.

Stan got up to heat the leftover pizza, whilst Kyle staying in the living room with Ethan perched in his lap. The boy was getting tired and curled up as he snuggled closer to his dad. The blue eyes he shared with Stan were starting to droop.

Stan brought the pizza in and took Ethan off Kyle's lap.

"Say goodnight to Daddy," Stan whispered as Kyle took a large bite of the pizza.

"Night," Ethan yawned.

Kyle stood and gave Ethan a kiss on the cheek as Stan took him up to bed. He finished the pizza and followed Stan upstairs, meeting him as he left Ethan's room. Kyle went into their own room and got ready for bed, even though it was early for them, wearing some green pyjama pants and one of Stan's high school American football jerseys, Stan followed suit, pulling on an old T-shirt and just saying in his boxers, they could cuddle when they were in bed.

"You okay?" Stan asked finally.

"I think so," Kyle replied, "It was… sorting out the arrangements made it all real, you know?"

Stan nodded, "I understand."

"Dad was trying so hard to stay strong, but you could see it in his eyes. He was distraught."

"When is it?"

"Tomorrow at ten," He got up, "I need to call work and get the day off."

Kyle grabbed his mobile and stepped out, he returned moments later.

"Got the day off," He sighed as Stan gathered him back in his arms.

"Do you still want me to go with you?"

Kyle nodded, "Definitely, I couldn't do it alone. You'll probably have to sit a few rows back, but I just need to know that you're there."

"That's okay, I'll go with you."

"After everything's over, we can take the kids to Shakey's or take them for milkshakes. Something like that."

Stan smiled, "They'll appreciate that."

Kyle nuzzled Stan's chest, "Seeing them happy always cheers me up."

"You're going soft on me," Stan laughed, "What happened to Big Bad Kyle?

"He married a pussy," Kyle was cheered up slightly by the turn in conversation, Stan had a knack at doing that, "You've rubbed off on me."

Stan pulled him into a gentle kiss, which Kyle returned.

"You always know how to cheer me up," Kyle said when they pulled apart.

"I've known since we were kids," Stan replied.

"I know, you're just amazing like that."

Stan always got a warm feeling whenever he was complimented, especially by Kyle. He tightened his grip on his husband.

"You've been making me so proud recently," Stan said softly, "Not that I'm not always proud of you. Recently you've had so much shit to deal with, like the stuff with Jimbo, the stuff with your mom, Garrett and now this. But you're walking through like anything's barely happening around you, only ever really showing me how much it's affecting you."

Kyle nuzzled Stan's neck, "You're the only one who understands me at every point in the day, I don't feel like I have to act strong with you."

Stan kissed his forehead, "Let's get some sleep, you've got a big day tomorrow."

They asleep wrapped around each other, Kyle's face buried in the crook of Stan's neck.

* * *

"Oh, hey Kenny."

Kenny waved at his fat friend, "Hey, I'm just dropping by."

"Come in," Cartman stepped aside to let Kenny into the hotel room.

"Oh hey Kenny," Wendy said, she was typing on a laptop, "What brings you here?"

"I'm just dropping by," Kenny shrugged, "I just a text from Karen, Sheila Broflovski's funeral is tomorrow. I think it'd mean a lot to Kyle if you were there."

"Oh crap," Cartman frowned, "Yeah, we'll go."

"How are things with you two?" Kenny asked.

"We're doing great," Wendy smiled, "The date for the wedding should be set soon, we're think two weeks from now."

"So Cartman," Kenny turned to the other man, "What did you sell when you were travelling?"

Cartman looked to Wendy, "Should I tell him?"

Wendy nodded.

"Stolen goods."

Kenny's eyes widened.

"I used to take things people had stolen and were valuable and sell them," Cartman explained shamefully, "That's why I had to travel. When we finally settle back here I'm going to be a car salesman."

"No wonder you never told us."

"I'm sorry."

Kenny smiled, "As long as that's behind you, I don't really care."


	10. Chapter 10: After

Functional

Chapter 10: After

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

The amount of times Kyle had heard that during his mother's wake was really starting to piss him off, anyone who said it was only saying it to feel better about themselves.

Kyle had sat on the front row with Gerald and Ike during the funeral whilst Stan had sat with the kids a few rows back. Gerald had been inconsolable before the funeral had even started and Ike hadn't been much better, Kyle had tried to keep it together around them but he eventually fell apart as well and the three of them had just held onto each other and sobbed. Being 'very sorry for their loss' wasn't exactly helping.

Stan was being silent, just holding the now only sniffling Kyle in his lap, his cheek laid on Kyle's head. Ethan and Jake were with Sharon because Ethan was asking too many questions.

Kyle's phone went off and he groaned as he checked it.

"My boss is telling me not to go back into work for a week, he's giving me paid leave."

"Isn't that good?" Stan asked, not moving from his position.

"I couldn't deal with it, I didn't have any operations but I had a few appointments to discuss some. They'll be transferred to someone else."

Stan nodded.

"I still want to go in," Kyle admitted, "So I can have some normality in my life."

"Just take the week to relax," Stan said, "Get everything out of your system and then go back to work on next Monday."

Kyle considered it before replying, "That's actually a good idea."

"So sleep in tomorrow and then we can decide what to do."

Kyle was silent for a while and Stan just held him, knowing that when Kyle was in a fragile state, one wrong sound could set him off. He was normally good at saying or doing the correct thing, he just didn't want to chance it.

"I haven't felt this upset since Chef died," Kyle frowned.

"Chef dying was one of the worst things to ever happen to this town," Stan said, "I still can't get that image out of my head."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed, his tone clearly showed that he didn't want to discuss it further.

"Let's hope Ethan and Jake don't have to see half the shit that we did."

"I doubt that, we've probably passed our trouble attraction genes onto them. Even if trouble doesn't look for them it'll come for us."

"At least they'll have some competent adults."

Kyle snorted and gave a small smile, "Not many of us."

They sat in silence again.

"Remember when I moved in with you because I had a fight with my mom?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded.

"I feel worse about that now than I ever have."

Stan hummed in acknowledgement.

"It's just, there was time there I could have spent with her. Instead we were pissed off with each other."

"When you repaired that relationship, you still lived with us."

"Because living away from you physically hurt," Kyle replied softly, "I'd miss you so much that my chest would actually be painful."

Stan kissed Kyle's temple softly, "When you decided to stay with us, I wanted to scream to the heavens that Kyle Isaiah Broflovski chose to live with me."

"And now Kyle Isaiah Marsh lives with you."

Stan was now wearing a grin far too big for the occasion, "I still remember how we decided that. We were at that barbecue my dad organised and your mom asked us how we were going to do the last name."

"So we flipped a coin in front of everybody," Kyle continued, "Ma was so pissed off at me."

"Not me?"

"You made her 'little bubbelah' happy, she could never be mad at you."

Stan chuckled, "Everyone says about they hate in-laws, I get along really well with your family."

"That's what happens when you have the 'meeting the parents' stage at age minus-however-many-years-it-was."

"I remember when my dad told me to stop hanging out with you so much, he said people would think we were 'funny'."

"Turns out we were 'funny'."

"I remember, not long after I moved out, I had my day with Ike and my dad came with us."

Stan motioned for him to continue.

"Dad said that he was glad that I went out with you over anyone else. Because he knew you'd never deliberately hurt me. Ike then said that if he was gay he'd 'tap that'."

"I'm not quite sure how to react with that."

"Ike flew in just two nights ago with his pregnant girlfriend and immediately he's at his mom's funeral. I feel really bad for him."

"Who is his girlfriend?"

"You'll never believe it," Kyle shook his head.

"Who?" Stan's curiosity had been piqued.

"Karen McCormick."

Stan lifted his head from on top of Kyle's for the first time in their whole conversation, "Really?"

Kyle nodded, "So now I have to protect Ike from a pissed off hoodrat."

"It's a bit harsh to call Kenny a hoodrat," Stan said, "He's not like that anymore. He has his kids to worry about."

"What got him his kids?"

Stan fell silent, Kyle had a point.

"Hopefully Karen can talk him down."

"How is she reacting?" Stan asked.

"She's really excited, Ike's scared out of his wits about it."

"So were you."

Kyle shot Stan a glare and he returned it with a sheepish smile.

"You were though."

"Can you blame me?"

"No."

Kyle looked smug.

"Maybe he'll be like you were."

"How was I?" Kyle asked.

Stan smiled fondly, "As soon as you saw Ethan's eyes, you completely adored him. You told me that you'd found the second love of your life."

Kyle smiled and looked over to where Ethan was looking bored at a table with Sharon, "He shares his eyes with my favourite person in the world."

"That's like you and Jake."

"Ethan's like a miniature clone of you, he shares all of your features."

"I hope that's like you and Jake, he has your eyes and hair. He's too young to tell."

Kyle hummed in agreement.

"The grandparents adored them," Stan said.

"Ma did," Kyle replied, "She always wanted grandkids to spoil."

"Spoil is an understatement."

"My grandma never spoiled me," Kyle said.

"Neither did mine," Stan agreed, "My aunt did."

"But she got you a demonic fish that killed her."

"Yeah."

Stan lay his head back on top of Kyle's as they fell back into silence.

"My ma asked me to wear my hat to her funeral when she was still alive," Kyle said softly, "She said that because I always wore it, she couldn't imagine me without it."

"You still always wear it," Stan replied, "It's a part of you now, whenever someone thinks of Kyle, they think of a lime-green ushanka hiding a ginger Jew-fro."

"I really miss her."

Stan pulled him closer, if that was possible, "I know."

Kyle was silent, but Stan could tell that he was holding in sobs.

"Let it out."

Kyle turned his face into Stan's chest and started to cry, even though he thought that he'd cried himself out.

"I never even got to say goodbye," Kyle sniffed.

"It's not your fault."

"I know, it's just that I feel like it is."

"Your eulogy more than made up for it, I was sad but I wasn't crying, your eulogy started me off."

"I wrote it in advance when I found out about her cancer," Kyle admitted, "I feel ashamed for doing it, but she said she wouldn't survive and…"

Stan pressed a finger to Kyle's lips, cutting his rant short.

"You could never have written it last night. You knew she was going to pass away so you prepared for it in advance, that's fine. It isn't an insult or anything to be ashamed of. You did it to give your mother, the woman who brought you into this world, a proper send-off. Your mom would be and was honoured to have a son like you who did this for her."

Kyle glanced up at Stan with puffy eyes, "Really?"

Stan nodded, "She thought the world of you. You're her only biological son, which means something no matter how insignificant it was made to seem because of how much you all loved Ike. She was so proud of you, you're a highly effective surgeon and you're the one who provides for his family."

Kyle gave Stan a soft peck.

"You're amazing, and if you were my son you'd be the first thing I bring up in conversation. That's what your mom thought."

"You already bring me up first in conversation as your husband."

"Because I'm proud to say 'I married Kyle Broflovski', I'm proud to say that you took _my_ name. I'm proud to say that I love you so much that a world without you seems bleak."

Kyle moved in to give Stan another kiss, but this time he made it deep and loving but his tongue remained in his mouth.

"I'm pretty your mom was proud to say 'Kyle Broflovski/Marsh is my son', she was proud to say that she spent more time protesting than necessary for you. She was proud to say that she loved you so much that a world without seemed bleak. She and I agreed on that even if we never spoke about it or even if we love you for different reasons. So don't be ashamed about _anything_ you did for her."

Kyle nuzzled Stan's chest, "I needed to hear that."

Stan chuckled, but it was felt more in his chest than audible.

"Thanks Stan."

"It's kind of my job."

Kyle laughed, "How are you so empathetic?"

"It's a talent I guess."

"You've always been good with it."

Stan hummed in acknowledgement before looking up, "The soon-to-be weds are on their way over."

Kyle wiped his eyes quickly.

"Hey Kyle," Cartman said quietly, "How're you holding up?"

"Better than before," Kyle sighed.

"I guess I have to retire the song."

Kyle gave a small smile, "Yeah."

"If you guys need someone to look after the kids later or something," Wendy said, "Please don't hesitate to ask."

"Okay," Stan nodded, "We'll keep that in mind, thanks."

* * *

Three days later Stan was putting Ethan to bed when Kyle got a text from Cartman.

 _Can you guys come and meet me at Skeeter's?_

Kyle was downstairs and he looked over to Stan when he came down the stairs.

"Cartman wants us to meet him at Skeeter's," Kyle informed him.

"You go," Stan said, "I'll stay with the kids, it's too short notice to get someone over."

"Okay," Kyle nodded as he got up to pull his trainers on, "See you later."

Stan stood and pulled his husband into a kiss, "See you."

* * *

Kyle didn't plan on drinking so he drove to Skeeter's, he could see Cartman sitting alone in the booth he normally sat in with Stan and Kenny.

"Hey," He greeted the overweight man, "Stan had to stay with the kids."

"Thanks for coming out on such short notice," Cartman smiled, "I'm buying."

"I'll just have a Diet Coke," Kyle replied, "I'm driving."

Cartman got up and returned with the drink, he still had half a glass of beer left next to three empty glasses.

"So what's up?" Kyle asked after taking a sip of his drink.

"Wendy wants kids."

"Okay."

"I don't," Cartman sighed, "Or rather I don't know."

"So you want to tell you what being a dad is like."

Cartman nodded, "I just don't want to deal with all the mess and all the noise."

Kyle nodded in understanding, "Parenting isn't for everyone."

"What's it like, being a dad?"

"It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, trust me."

"Not winning me over."

"It's also the most rewarding thing you'll ever do. My kids are on the same level as Stan in terms of how much I love them."

"Sappy little shit."

"I'm serious," Kyle smiled with pride, "Seeing them grow up is amazing and so is teaching them everything I know. It feels awesome to know that there's a young human being who looks up to you and depends on you. It's hard to describe."

"I don't think I'm good father material," Cartman frowned.

"You shouldn't do it just because Wendy wants to," Kyle said, "You should only become a father if you're 100% sure you want to be."

Cartman nodded to show he was listening.

"When Bebe was pregnant with Ethan, we got her to stay with us. She was carrying our child, the least we could do was help her with the pregnancy. I was terrified of becoming a dad. I have a short temper, I'm foul-mouthed and I'm quick to start yelling and cursing at people. A kid could easily pick up those habits. When I saw Ethan for the first time, the feeling of dedication and love I felt for that little bundle was immeasurable and I swore to devote my life to making that child smile, no matter what. No matter how difficult times are for me, that child will be happy. That carried to Jake when he was born."

Cartman bit his lip, "Just from how much you were able to keep talking, I can tell how much you love them."

Kyle hummed in confirmation, "Being a dad is the hardest thing ever."

"You said that before."

"It's also the most enjoyable, especially if you're raising them with the one you love."

Cartman nodded, "Thanks for the advice."

Kyle smiled, "No problem. You get a cab here?"

Cartman nodded.

"I'll drive you home then, you bought my drink."

"Okay, thanks. At least I don't have to pay cab fare."

Kyle gave him a nod, "What do you expect? I'm Jewish."


	11. Chapter 11: Another Member

**I'd say Functional's nearly finished. It never was meant to be as long as Dysfunctional**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 11: Another Member

 _That Saturday…_

"Ethan, sit still," Stan said as he tried to tie his son's shoelaces.

"Ethan, sit still or we don't go," Kyle ordered in a firmer tone than Stan from by the pram he was strapping Jake into. He had always been better at discipline.

They were going to the playground nearby for the afternoon after Church (they didn't go often and they sometimes went to Synagogue, as Stan and Kyle wanted to raise their kids with both religions). It had been a while since they had gone out together as a family. They had been meeting up with their friends often to discuss things, mainly Cartman's wedding.

"I think I'm looking forward to this way more than I should be," Stan smiled as he finally tied Ethan's shoes.

"Why?" Kyle asked as he tried to fit the pram through the door.

"My favourite thing to do is hang around with you guys. Doing something together as a family always makes me happy."

Kyle grinned, "When did you become such puss- wuss?" He quickly corrected, conscious of their very impressionable son holding onto Stan's hand.

"I don't know," Stan replied, he walked over to Kyle and whispered in his ear, "Says the one who always bottoms."

He received a swat in return.

* * *

Kenny was already at the playground with his kids and Butters, he was sitting on a bench whilst his kids ran around doing whatever they pleased. He raised a hand in greeting when he saw Kyle and Stan heading over.

"Hey guys," Kenny smiled as they walked over.

"Hey Kenny, Butters," Stan replied as Ethan ran off to play on the swings.

"Heya fellas," Butters chirped happily.

Kyle waved at them but didn't speak.

Kenny looked over at the kids, "Don't you wish we had a childhood like our kids do? No Mecha-Streisand, no using the Mexican Space Program to save a whale and no Nazi Zombies."

"Nah," Kyle grinned, "Their childhood is easier, but they don't get the stories to tell."

"Ethan loves hearing about our childhood," Stan said, "He prefers them to his usual bedtime stories."

"He loved hearing about Cthulhu."

Kenny laughed as Kylie walked over to push Ethan on the swings, "Look over there."

"Reminds me of Kyle with that other little kid," Stan chuckled, "You know, Mr. Jefferson's kid."

"Who? Blanket?" Kyle asked.

"That's the one," Stan nodded, "Whatever happened to him?"

"I didn't hear from him again after he left South Park."

"So just tell Ethan about things that happened to you during your childhood?" Butters asked.

"Obviously it has to be dumbed down to make it age appropriate, and there are things we never tell him, things like…" Kyle paused to shudder, "The Human CentiPad."

Kyle winced at the mention and sought out Stan's hand with his own.

"Or Imaginationland," Stan continued.

"How didn't we end up traumatised?" Butters asked.

"We got lucky," Kyle answered.

"Some of us still have lasting effects," Stan pointed, "I still never touch alcohol and Kyle's terrified of rimjobs."

"To know that you must have tried it," Kenny smirked.

"When we were fifteen and very experimental," Stan admitted, "I had just poked him with my tongue and he started bawling and cursing Apple."

"You promised me that you wouldn't tell the whole story," Kyle growled, his face a bright scarlet.

"They're not going to make fun of you if it legitimately frightens you," Stan reasoned, "They're not assholes."

"That shit's private Stan!"

Kenny chuckled, "You said shit and we were talking about rimjobs."

One glare from the Jew quickly shut him up.

* * *

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry," Stan asked as they left City Wok, where they'd had lunch.

"As many times as I decide," Kyle replied shortly.

"Why is Daddy angry?" Ethan asked, pulling on Stan's jacket.

"I may have said some things Daddy doesn't want other people to know."

Ethan was going to reply when he ran ahead to look down an alleyway.

"Look Daddy!" The boy yelled, "It's a dog!"

Stan jogged ahead to catch up to his son and sure enough, there was a small, filthy, light brown dog lying behind a dumpster. Stan had done some work with animals and occasionally volunteered at the animal shelter, he hated seeing animals in this condition.

He walked over and crouched by the dog, there was no foaming at the mouth and there didn't seem to be any infections. The dog was clearly very young and clearly underfed, it was probably infested with fleas as well. Stan held his hand out for dog to sniff and chuckled when he felt it licking the pads of his fingers. He picked the dog up gently so he didn't scare it and carried it out to where his son and husband were waiting.

"We should probably take him to the vet," Kyle said.

"Can we take him home afterwards?" Stan asked.

Kyle ran a hand over his face, "You've got to be kidding me."

"C'mon Kyle," Stan pleaded, "You know what'll happen to him if the pound get a hold of him."

"I know but…"

"Look at him Kyle," Stan held the dog right up to his husband's face, "How can you say no?"

"Like this. No."

"Please."

Stan held the word like he was Ethan's age and he used his patented ' _get Kyle to do whatever I want_ ' puppy eyes.

"Fine," Kyle relented, "But you pick its crap up."

* * *

After the dog had been defleaed and checked at the vet where it was confirmed to be male (Stan would've thought Kyle knew what a penis was, considering the fact that he begged for Stan's at least once every two weeks) he was taken home where Stan was charged with bathing him whilst Kyle went out to by a bed, food, toys and other things the dog would need.

"Okay Ethan," He heard Stan saying as he stepped into the house, "You can choose his name."

He saw Ethan's face screwed in concentration, in actuality, the boy was thinking of the Spyro game he'd been playing upstairs.

"Sparks," Ethan finally decided.

Kyle looked to Stan worriedly, noting the resemblance to Stan's late dog Sparky's name. Stan however, was smiling.

"I like it," He said, he looked up to Kyle, "What about you?"

"I like it too," Kyle shrugged.

* * *

"Are you sure it's okay for us to have him?" Stan asked after Ethan had gone to bed.

"It's fine," Kyle replied as he settled under his husband's arm as they watched TV on the couch, Sparks was on the couch too, laying across Kyle's lap.

"I think he likes you," Stan smiled.

"I think I like him too."


	12. Chapter 12: Cartman's Wedding

**The next chapter should be the last.**

* * *

Functional

Chapter 12: Cartman's Wedding

"I definitely prefer my black one," Kyle said.

"I think you look hot," Stan replied.

Stan and Kyle were on their way to Cartman's wedding, Sharon was looking after the kids. As groomsman, they were wearing white and had been told to wear something in 'their colour'. So Stan was wearing a blue bow tie and Kyle's was green (he was also wearing his ushanka, he'd made sure to ask Cartman at the bachelor's party and Cartman had allowed it).

"How nervous do you think Cartman is?" Stan asked.

"Shitting himself," Kyle laughed, "I was before our wedding."

"I know," Stan smiled, "So was I."

"I distinctly remember not wanting to fuck it up for you."

"Why would you want to? It was your big day too."

"Very true," Kyle conceded.

"Do you think Kenny's ever going to get married?" Stan wondered.

"Probably not," Kyle shrugged, "He already has three kids and three jobs, he doesn't have the time for romance."

"That's sad," Stan frowned.

Kyle raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, "Why? Not everyone gets married."

"Maybe I have a bias, considering the fact that I'm married to the greatest guy in the world," Stan explained, making Kyle smile and blush slightly, "But I love being married, it means that no matter what, I'll have someone who'll always remain by my side, someone who'll love me unconditionally. Kenny deserves someone like that."

"You know why he hasn't," Kyle pointed out.

"I know, because he was a whore."

"I do understand what you're saying," Kyle conceded, "But Kenny ruined his chance by getting two other girls pregnant."

Stan locked their hands together, "I'm glad I didn't, my life wouldn't be as good as it is now if I had."

"You like dick anyway," Kyle chuckled, "So you wouldn't get three girls pregnant at the same time. We got a girl pregnant by spooging into a cup."

"Worth it though."

* * *

"Kenny can you get off your fucking phone?"

Kenny jolted at Cartman's yell and shoved his phone into his pocket.

"I'm freaking out over here!"

"I know, I'm hoping my Zen transfers to you."

"I'm so close to beating the shit out of you right now."

"Kyle punched me when he was freaking out, hence why I'm sitting on the other side of the room."

"Wait… Kyle punched you?"

"He was worried about fucking up, I made jokes about him fucking up," Kenny shrugged, "So he slugged me in the gut."

Cartman snickered.

"Asshole."

There was a knocking on the door, Kenny got up and opened it.

"Hey dude," Stan smiled.

"How you holding up?" Kyle asked.

"I think I need to change my pants," Cartman groaned.

Stan walked over and clapped Cartman on the shoulder, "Don't worry about. Think about how happy you'll make Wendy or how beautiful she'll look in the dress, it works, trust me."

"What if she decides she wants to call it off?"

Cartman was beginning to panic, so Kyle walked over and slapped him across the face.

"She's not going to call it off," Kyle said sternly, "What reason does she have to?"

"None, we've been getting closer since we got engaged."

"Exactly, you're going to go out there and marry that woman, kiss her when Maxi says 'you may now kiss the bride' and host a little party afterwards before you go for a holy fuck. To do that, you need to get your shit together!"

Cartman was briefly stunned by Kyle's rant, but he gulped and nodded.

"I needed that."

Kyle's lips turned upward, "Good, now get out there fatass."

* * *

Cartman was beginning to sweat as he waited at the altar, he glanced over to his three friends who each gave him a gesture to try and raise his confidence, Stan gave a thumbs-up, Kyle smiled and Kenny gave him a middle-finger, Cartman chuckled at the last one. He jolted when he heard the church doors open and the wedding march began to play, he turned and his breath was taken away suddenly.

Wendy looked stunning.

He thanked his lucky stars when she took his hands and exchanged vows, he felt completely zoned out, in awe of her.

"Eric Theodore Cartman, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

He could feel Kyle's eye roll behind him.

"Wendy Marissa Testaburger, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't," She repeated, causing Cartman's smile to grow.

"You may now kiss the bride."

They kissed (obviously) and everyone in the church began to clap and cheer, as if it was the first kiss they'd ever seen in their life. Cartman's and Wendy's smiles mirrored each other's.

They'd be seeing them a lot from now on.

* * *

"As the best man," Kenny stood at the table during the reception, "I was told I had to write a speech. After realising I couldn't recycle my old one, I wrote this one.

"Eric Cartman is who I consider to be my best friend. Admittedly, this was originally by default, but when he actually became a nice person, this title was now justified. Cartman became the one I would turn to if life at home became difficult and we came to reply on each other for comfort during the difficult times in our life. Eric is one of the bravest people I know, purely because he was able to face up to what he did as a child and how he acted, even apologising to a lot of people. Naturally there were people who didn't believe him, but he let them be and didn't force it. I don't know whether many people knew about the changed Eric Cartman, but I'm proud to call him my best friend."

There were many people who applauded Kenny's speech, Cartman leading the applause as he stood.

"Thank you Kenny," He grinned, "I'd like to thank all of you for being here, but I have a lot of individual thank yous to give out. First is my mom, for raising me to this point and always supporting me, second is my new wife, for actually marrying me and loving me. Third is my best friend Kenny, for being my best man and always being there for me. That one extends to my fourth thank you and my fifth. Fourth are my other two friends since kindergarten, Stan and Kyle, for forgiving my previous actions and accepting me as a fiend anyway. Fifth and last is Butters, for planning this whole event, you did a good job."

"Wowee!" Butters smiled.

* * *

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters looked on as the 'just married' car left the reception.

"You two need to get married now guys," Kyle laughed.

"You're not going to let this go are you," Kenny groaned.

"We can go down to city hall now to do it," Stan smiled, "Let's go."


	13. Chapter 13: The Best Way to Get Together

Functional

Chapter 13: The Best Way to Get Together

Two months had passed since the wedding and Stan had decided to have their friends and family over for a barbeque, Kyle had decided to go along with it. It was the middle of summer, so Stan had set up the inflatable paddling pool for the kids. A large table had been set out with seats surrounding it.

"What time are they getting here?" Kyle asked as Stan was setting up the barbeque.

"About eleven," Stan replied, seeming slightly stumped.

"Having trouble with the barbeque?"

"Of course not," Stan waved dismissively.

"Liar," Kyle smirked, strolling over and igniting the barbeque with ease. Stan gaped at him.

"How… I… huh?"

"All you had to do was turn the gas on," Kyle laughed, "Someone who wasn't having trouble with it would have seen that."

"Way to put me down dude," Stan frowned.

Kyle gave Stan a quick kiss, "You're my idiot."

"I can accept that," Stan smiled, pulling his husband into a deeper kiss.

"EWWWW!" Ethan shouted, when his dads turned to look at him he gave them an impish grin.

"We need to fill the pool anyway," Stan shrugged.

Kyle walked around the side of the house to get the hosepipe and laid it in the pool before going back to turn it on.

"Kenny said he'd be coming over early," Stan said.

"You told me last night," Kyle replied.

"He didn't say what time."

"That could mean he'll be here in five minutes or an hour."

* * *

When Kenny did knock, he was accompanied by Butters and his own children. Stan answered the door and beckoned them in with a bright smile on his face.

Kyle was in the back feeding Jake, Ethan was splashing around in the pool.

"Hey there Kyle," Butters waved.

"Hey," Kyle replied, "Stan should be starting the food soon."

"You guys are taking a risk," Kenny smiled, throwing himself down into a seat, "Having Sharon and Randy in the same place."

"We're hoping Shelly can keep them in check."

"I still need to have a talk with your brother," Kenny said, "So I can deal with that today."

"Don't kill him," Kyle frowned, "Ike's twenty-three, Karen's twenty-five. They can make their own decisions."

"I won't kill him, I'm just making sure he stays for Karen."

"You know that Ike isn't a dick."

"I know, I just…"

"Leave him Kenny," Butters sighed.

"Yeah, listen to your husband!" Stan shouted from across the garden.

"HE'S NOT MY HUSBAND!" Kenny yelled back.

* * *

Kyle answered the door to the Cartmans, who had now moved to South Park. He let them in but Cartman hung back to speak to him.

"Remember when I called you out to Skeeter's a couple of months ago?"

"Yeah," Kyle nodded, "You were asking me what's it's like being a dad."

"Well… guess what?"

Kyle looked at him in shock, "Really?"

Cartman nodded.

"Dude, congratulations!" Kyle grinned, pulling the fatass into a hug.

"If you guys need a babysitter, then consider us. We need practice."

"Sure, you'd better tell Stan about it then."

"Yeah, I'm terrified though."

"I've told you about me, I was too. Wait until the kid's born, trust me."

Cartman nodded, "Okay, I think I can manage right now."

Kyle laid a hand on his shoulder, "If you need any help, we're all here for you."

"I know, you guys are the best."

Kyle gave him a thumbs-up in response.

* * *

"I was talking to Wendy," Stan said after Kyle came back outside and watching Ethan in the pool with Kenny's kids and Sparks.

"Yeah…?"

"She's pregnant."

"Cartman told me."

"That's awesome," Stan smiled.

"I told them they could babysit Ethan and Jake if they needed practice," Kyle said as Stan pulled him close.

"It reminds me of when Bebe was pregnant with Ethan, you'd go out of your way to do anything to make her more comfortable."

"It was only fair," Kyle retorted, "She was carrying _our_ child."

"We said she could visit whenever she wanted."

"And she moved to Australia."

"She asks about them though doesn't she?"

Kyle nodded.

"See?" Stan laughed, "She still cares."

Kyle shrugged.

"You want first hot dog?" Stan asked.

Kyle chuckled, "I might, I'm not sure yet."

* * *

Ethan was happy to see his uncle and Ike loved his nephew. Karen had a visible bump by now and Ike was acting incredibly protective of her.

"How are things up in New York?" Kyle asked his brother.

"Thank fuck for summer," Ike chuckled, "Things were getting far too hectic."

"It was hectic in medical school," Kyle replied, "Every year I was there I couldn't wait for…"

"Daddy?"

Ethan tugged on Kyle's shirt, making the Jew look down to him.

"What's up bud?"

"Play with us, Daddy won't. He said he's busy."

"I'll play with you," Ike said, already starting to pull his shirt over his head, "I don't get to see you guys enough."

Ethan cheered and went back to the pool.

"He loves his uncle," Kyle smiled, "I'm sure Jake will when he's older."

"Well I'm supposed to be the cool uncle," Ike smirked, "You're supposed to be the boring one."

Kyle batted Ike over the head, "Yeah, yeah. I'm not boring, you can ask Stan about that."

Ike's face screwed up, "I didn't need to know that!"

"Well then you shouldn't throw that around."

* * *

"Hey Sharon."

The woman in question looked up to see her ex-husband, "Hello Randy."

"I was just looking around," Randy took a seat next to her, "I was thinking about how proud I am of how our son's turned out."

Sharon smiled at him, "I am too, he's got a good family of his own."

"He loves his kids and you can see how much he loves Kyle."

Sharon laughed, "You can see how much Kyle loves him."

"He's lucky," Randy smiled solemnly.

"He is," Sharon agreed, "They're the two people in this town who'll die married."

As she said this, Stan kissed away some ketchup that Kyle had on his lip from his bite of his burger.

"At first," Randy explained, "I thought that it was weird, Stanley having a boyfriend. It definitely took some getting used to. Now I can't see him with anyone else."

"I don't think either of us were surprised when he came out with Kyle, they've always been attached at the hip."

"I can remember when he was a little kid, he used to always get so excited when he found out Kyle was coming over."

Sharon chuckled, "Where did the time go?"

Randy smiled at her, but didn't say anything.

* * *

"How's dealing with a pregnant woman fatass?"

Cartman rolled his eyes, "Not too bad Kenny."

"Yet," Kenny smirked.

"I know," Cartman didn't bother with the horror stories, he'd heard the horror stories.

"It can't be that bad," Kenny shrugged, "I had to deal with three that wanted to kill me."

"Stan had to deal with two pregnant women," Cartman smirked.

Wendy's eyebrows furrowed, "Did he have an affair?"

"No," Kenny laughed, "One of them was Kyle. With how much he was panicking, you'd have thought he'd be pushing it out."

An ' _I heard that_ ' could be heard from across the garden.

"We'll see how it pans out," Cartman frowned, "I'm scared."

"Don't worry," Kenny smiled, "You'll do fine."

* * *

"It was a good day today," Stan said as he curled up in bed with his husband.

"Everyone got along," Kyle agreed, "It was fun."

"We hadn't seen Cartman for a while."

Kyle nodded, "Did you notice your parents talking?"

"That was weird," Stan chuckled, "I thought they were going to blow up at each other after being next to each other for too long."

"They wouldn't have ruined their son's barbeque."

"Your Dad's doing a lot better."

"Just two weeks ago he was seeing my mom everywhere, it's good to see him doing so much better."

"You were at the point he was a while ago though."

Kyle shook his head, "I live with my amazing husband," Stan rewarded him for the statement with a kiss, "As well as my beautiful kids. Dad lives alone now in a house built for four, the house will just feel empty."

Stan nodded in response.

"I'm tired," Kyle yawned.

"Let's sleep," Stan agreed.

Stan made sure Kyle was pulled close, ready to face any future challenges with his husband by his side.

* * *

 **Next up is the epilogue.**

 **What age do Americans start school? In Britain it's 4, but South Park is in Colorado, not Britain.**

 **Remember to keep sending in those oneshot requests and leave your thoughts on the most recent two (Tied Together (Part II) and Legalised).**


	14. Chapter 14: Ending

Functional

Chapter 14: Ending

"Where's Ethan run off to Stan?"

"He was right next to me a minute ago."

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he had obtained from Stan, "We can't be late today Stan, it's his first day of school."

"I'll check his room," Stan held his hands up, "You finish getting Jake ready to go."

Stan ran up the stairs to Ethan's room and halted outside the door when he heard sniffling, he opened the door slowly and saw his son lying face down with his face in the pillow.

"Hey, Ethan," Stan said softly as he took a seat on the bed, "What's wrong, we need to go in a few minutes."

Ethan's voice was muffled, but Stan could clearly hear him shout, "I don't want to!"

Stan took hold of the boy beneath his armpits and lifted him up, pulling him into a hug, "Why not? You've been excited."

"I wanna stay at home with you and Jake."

Hearing this broke Stan's heart, he wanted Ethan to stay at home as well.

"I know," Stan sighed, "But you'll meet new friends at school."

"You're going to leave me and never come back."

"We'll pick you up and bring you home this afternoon," Stan explained, "Your Daddy and I both went through school when we were young."

"Really?"

"Everyone goes through school at some point," Stan nodded, "I did, Daddy did, Uncle Kenny did, Uncle Cartman did. Everyone did."

Ethan seemed to contemplate this.

"C'mon, let's go," Stan stood, Ethan followed behind him.

"What took you so long?" Kyle asked when they got downstairs.

"Ethan got scared."

Kyle smiled sympathetically, crouching down to the boy's level, "What's up bud?"

"Do you promise to come and get me later?" Ethan answered nervously.

"I'll still be at work, but Daddy will pick you up."

* * *

"Do you know who's teaching kindergarten?" Stan asked as they stood with the crowd of parents seeing their children into the school for their first day.

"Not a clue," Kyle replied with shrug.

The classroom had a door straight to the schoolyard and the teacher emerged from inside, Stan's jaw dropped and Kyle's eyes widened.

"Him?" Kyle whispered.

The teacher read the names of the kids on the register until reading out, "Ethan Marsh."

The teacher looked up, "Oh boy, let's hope he behaves better than you two."

"Hey Mr. Garrison," Stan waved.

"I should have known you two would be butt-buddies."

"We get that a lot," Kyle grinned.

"Well as much as I'd like to stay and chat, I have a class to teach, come now Ethan, don't be shy."

Ethan ducked behind Stan's legs. Stan crouched to his level.

"You'll be okay," Stan smiled, giving his son a kiss to the forehead, "I'll be here when you get let out later."

Ethan nodded and gave his dads a last hug, letting Kyle kiss his forehead, before going inside.

"He's getting so big, so fast," Stan said, a tear coming to his eye.

"Seeing him start school makes me feel so old," Kyle sighed, "It seems like only yesterday we had the loudest baby ever in South Park."

"You're not old," Stan chuckled, "You're only thirty-one."

"Oy vey," Kyle groaned, "Don't remind me."

"How old do you think I feel? I'm older than you!"

Kyle shook his head, their argument continued all the way out of the schoolyard.

* * *

They went to the park with Jake before dropping him off at Gerald's because they were going to Shakey's to meet their friends for lunch, Kyle's shift didn't start until two.

Kenny, Butters, Cartman and Wendy were all sitting at one table. Wendy was heavily pregnant, when she had been pregnant the first time, she had been a week away from the child's due date when a drunk driver had hit the passenger side of the car she was in with her husband. Wendy had luckily escaped with minor injuries, but she had lost the baby. They hadn't been ready to try again until eight months ago.

"Hey," Stan said as he and Kyle sat down.

"How was it?" Kenny asked.

"Harder than I thought," Kyle answered.

"I didn't think it would be as hard as it was with my kids," Kenny agreed, "How was he?"

"Terrified," Stan frowned, "Then again, I would be if Mr. Garrison was my teacher."

"He's still there?" Cartman asked incredulously.

"He was Kenny's bunch's third grade teacher," Butters said.

"He said that he should've known that we'd be butt-buddies," Kyle shrugged, "Oddly enough, I'm not too bothered by that."

"He has a point," Wendy said.

Stan and Kyle both looked at her with a raised eyebrow, making Kenny laugh at how similar their expressions were.

"When I went out with Stan when we were kids, I was essentially going out with Kyle too…"

"Didn't need to hear that," Cartman chuckled.

"…Simply because you two were always together. I think Kyle tagged along even when he wasn't asked, I was the third wheel every time."

Stan smiled and kissed his husband's cheek, "Maybe I always knew, I just never realised."

"Maybe that's the reason I agreed to that experiment so quickly," Kyle laid his head on his husband's shoulder as he spoke, Stan wrapped his arm around his waist and kissed the top of the ushanka Kyle _still_ insisted on wearing.

After having the pizza that usually accompanied going to Shakey's, Kyle's phone alarm went off.

"I gotta go," Kyle said, "I'll see you later."

"See you later," Stan replied, pulling his husband into a kiss before he left.

He'd spend the rest of the day with his friends before he went to pick up the kids and wait at home for Kyle, where they'd take the rest of their lives a step at a time.

* * *

 **That's the end of Functional, but the series isn't over yet. The oneshots will continue until I stop getting ideas and requests. Special thanks to those of you who followed both stories all the way through, you guys kept me writing. Next, I'm going to finish Beaten, Battered, Bruised before starting any other new projects. One idea I've had is giving all of the characters different personalities, so tell me what you'd think of that.**


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